There Is Still Good Out There

Friday morning I was doing some errands in Rochester when my car decided to act up. It made a terrible grinding noise,the tachometer would go up,but the car was acting sluggish. I pulled over in a CVS parking lot and called Rick. He and Brother B came down,and Brother B drove my car to the dealership,which,happily,was less than 1/4 mile away. It seems like it might be the transmission,and according to them,it's still under warranty,which is good. They won't really be able to look at it until today or tomorrow. 

Early Friday afternoon, I was in the middle of filling my window boxes with greens and berries when the horrible news came over the TV about the shooting in CT. I finished the boxes and stopped decorating. I had planned to finish all my decorating that day,but I completely lost interest. I felt sick to my stomach,and I still feel like someone has kicked me in the gut.

Saturday I did have some good diversion. My sister Linda and I went to my Mom's house to celebrate her 87th birthday. We had lunch,then went to downtown Somersworth to check out some of the nice little shops. We then went to buy our poinsettias at a local greenhouse.That night,our friend Eric had a housewarming party,and we enjoyed ourselves. We aren't that social anymore,so it was good to get out and mingle at something that wasn't a Scouting event (though most of the folks there are involved in Scouting).Rick enjoyed himself quite a bit. It felt good to laugh.

Yesterday,I finished decorating and made some fudge. I also worked on crocheting one of the Christmas gifts. Last night it started to snow,and this AM we have a two hour delay,though I think it should have been a cancellation. The roads are terrible and it's still snowing.

One of my window boxes with greenery and berries:

Our tree. I didn't use orange slices this year,but I did use some dried hydrangeas:

 
My little village. I string some lights along the sill and put them inside the houses:

Rick took this photo this morning. You can't tell,but it's snowing:

A close up of the window boxes:

The plant hangers down by the road.Everything looks so pretty in the snow!

The mantle. I just noticed you can see my reflection in the mirror:

A bit of berries and greens in my pouring bowl above the stove:

 Our bedroom door:

The canning cabinet:

 Last,but not least,the chimney shelf:

In spite of what has happened in CT,I still believe in my fellow man. It can be very difficult when people do terrible things,or live their lives hating,but I take comfort in knowing that there are far more good people out there than bad. I think we as a society need to start putting BS behind us and remember,we are all here together. The hate,fear,and paranoia in this country need to stop. We are all brothers and sisters. Who cares what color we are? What politics we believe in?  What religion we are? How about working together to make this a better place?? We need to stop demonizing people who don't agree with us,and start acting like rational,caring humans again. When we band together for the common good,there is nothing that we can't accomplish.

This is still a Fabulous Planet. Enjoy your day on it!

Is It Friday Already??

I can't believe that it is already Friday,and I looked at my last post and realized that it was Monday they last time I jotted anything down!

Zach had a great week. Tuesday night,Rick's brother Dale and his son Brody,as well as an old Shaw family friend who is just like a brother,Scottie,came over. They had a mission that everyone but Zach was aware of:they were giving Zach a four wheeler. Dale apparently traded some things with someone else,and Brody saw this 80cc Suzuki four wheeler,which he thought would be great for Zach. So they got it for him. ( That is Brody standing behind Zach in the photo above). After Zach had taken it out for a spin,Brody asked if he liked it,to which Zach said yes!! So Brody handed him the keys and said,"It's yours." Zach looked a bit confused,so he turned to Dale,who confirmed that the four wheeler was now his. Zach broke into a huge smile,and gave Brody and his Uncle Dale each a huge hug. Zach does have a helmet and is not allowed to ride without it. We have some trails out back on our neighbors property,which we are allowed on. There are also many ATV trails in NH,which Zach cannot ride until the machine is registered and he takes a safety class. Brody and Dale each have ATV's,and they said they will take Zach riding on their trails soon. So far he has only driven around the yard and up the dirt road,which is a private class 6 road.

We have been enjoying the lettuce,and now my National Pickling cukes are popping out-one is probably ready to pick. I have one small tomato,and last night I picked our first strawberry,of which we all took a bite. I have several zucchini and summer squash growing. The heat has been horrendous! We are now on the tail end of a heat wave-it has been in the 90's,not including the humidity,so the temps have been hovering around 100 degrees. Those of us here in NH are not used to such hot temps. At least if it was dry heat it wouldn't be quite so bad-outside wouldn't feel like wading through soup!! This is why spring and fall are my favorite times of the year.

Today is Rick's first PT appt since coming home. He is doing really well. He was by himself for a few hours yesterday. Zach and I went to Milton Town Beach and met up with My Dear Friend Michelle,her boys and a friend of her youngest son. I was a bit hesitant to leave him alone,but he assured me he would be fine. I had my cell phone,so if anything came up he could call,and we were only 15 minutes away. So while I was gone he did dishes,took a shower,walked the property,and did his exercises. He is exercising right now. Next week is his first post op appt with Dr Bernini up at Dartmouth. He is going to have xrays so they can see how everything is healing. Rick is hopeful that Dr Bernini will tell him he can start doing some small tasks. He can walk without the crutches,though he is still stiff,so he is not walking normally yet,he walks a bit stiff legged without the crutches.He is still wearing his circulation stockings,so hopefully he can talk those off next week. His pain level is very low,and any discomfort is from the stiffness-the pain he had before the surgery is completely gone and he says what he feels now is just a minor inconvenience. We are so very thankful!

Tomorrow Is The Day

Well,after 2 years of waiting,praying,and hoping,tomorrow is the day.

My wonderful husband is about to get his life back.

At this time tomorrow morning, he will be in surgery having his knees replaced.

I cannot begin to tell you what this means. Once he is healed,he will be able to walk without pain. He will not need morphine anymore. He will not need crutches at all. He will be able to hike,run,ride a bike,and be back to his active self.

Right now he is cooking French Toast for breakfast. He took over the cooking duties a while ago,because he said that was something he could actually do,since he couldn't do very much anymore. He won't be cooking for awhile,so I better get my cooking skills back to where they were! :)

We will be leaving for our motel in Lebanon around 1-2:00 PM. Once we check in,we are going to go down the road to Hanover,which is the town that Dartmouth College is in.Dartmouth is one of the Ivy League schools here in the States,meaning it's one of the oldest colleges in the country. Rick's distant cousin, Daniel Webster,attended Dartmouth College.He was a famous lawyer and statesman in NH.Once we explore the town,we will get a bite to eat,then head back to the motel.

Rick needs to wash his knees with antibacterial soap,wear clean pajamas,and take Coumadin tonight.(Coumadin is a blood thinner to ward off clots-he will have to take it for four weeks after the surgery).He then has to use the soap again in the morning,and scrub any dirt he might have from under his nails. He also cannot wear any jewelry.

We have to be at the hospital for 5:45 AM.They will give him a pain block that will extend down the front of his legs and the sides.It will be good for 24 hours after surgery. However,there will be no block on the back of knees,so that will be very painful.He will be put out completely. He was going to ask for that,anyway.He was concerned that if they only gave him a spinal,and he was in and out of consciousness,that his PTSD might kick in,and if he was only semi lucid,he wouldn't know where he was or what they were doing to him.He didn't want to have a negative reaction.

There is a computer near the waiting room that gives you updates on the patient. I will be given a PIN number,and when I type it in it will tell me his progress. The surgery is about 2-3 hours long. I will be armed with a Diana Gabaldon book from her Outlander series.One eye will be on the book,the other on the clock!

We are nervous,as anyone would be with surgery,but excited as well. We do know it's going to be a while before Rick will be able to get around without a walker.The hospital will have him up and trying to walk the day after surgery.He will not be allowed to come home until he can get to the bathroom,climb stairs,and be able to walk (with a walker) by himself. We are not sure if he will have to go to a Rehab facility for a few days after or not.That is up to the VA,and I think it all depends on how well he does with his mobility and exercises.

I might not post for a few days,but will send updates as soon as I can.

Have a great day,everyone!

Before and After

This is what our garden area looked like up until yesterday....mostly. I posted this photo after we built our boxes,before we put the soil in them and planted onions. You get the jist! All dirt,not very pretty. And not a pleasing area to work,at least for me.

Then.....this is what it looks like as of yesterday afternoon, after approx. 20 wheelbarrows full of shavings....

Ah. Much better. A much more pleasing sight for the eye,and nicer to work in. Smells great too! You can see my onion box on the left,with the grid. I am going to put tomatoes in that one,too. All the way down on the right is where I am planting my lettuce,peas,and cantaloupe. I did not pre start my lettuce seeds this year.

We are going to do our walkway and around the strawberry bed and kitchen garden bed. We were going to start that yesterday as well,but Rick had had it after doing the above.I had offered to shovel the shavings into the wheelbarrow,dump it and let him spread them out,but he said no. So he had to walk back and forth from Walter's house. Fortunately, Walter is right across the dirt road along the side of our house,so it wasn't far. But it wreaked havoc on Rick's knees. I love my hubby,but he can be very stubborn. He would rather be in more pain than have me do some of the work around the house.

Today he is down for the count. He had chills and sweated all night. This morning I awoke to find him wrapped in his quilt in the recliner. Did he take his meds? Yes. So it wasn't the reaction to a missed dose. Did he eat anything with gluten yesterday? No. So it wasn't an allergic reaction. I think it's his body telling him to take a break. He doesn't sleep well because of the knee pain and the nightmares,and he has been working harder than he has in months,trying to get everything complete before his surgery. Once the surgery happens,he won't be able to anything for a couple of months. Bless his heart! As I type this,he is sound asleep. I will let him sleep until it's time for his noon meds. I fed and watered the chicks,the cats,and the dogs. I washed the dishes,scrubbed the stove top,burners and burner pans. Once I finish this post I will wipe down the butcher block,sweep,and wash the kitchen and bathroom floors. I must also make laundry soap today,no ifs ands or buts. We are all out now.

I am off to continue playing catch up with the house.....have a lovely day!

The Best News In the World

When Rick came home for a week in August 2005 after being wounded in Iraq,we didn't know in the next couple of years that his knees would start to give him bad trouble. Just kneeling like in this picture would be extremely painful and difficult,if not impossible.

This is a photo of my hubby after he came back from Iraq and Medical Hold down at Fort Gordon GA. He came home in early April 2006,and this photo was taken a few weeks later. We were trimming back the saplings by the road to open up that part of the yard more. Work like this was very simple,and he could do it for hours. Not anymore. Notice how nice and straight his is standing,with his shoulders back. He can't do that anymore,either. He now walks bent forward. It takes pressure off his knees. He was in great shape. Now,since he can no longer do anything to the extent where he burns calories,he has gained weight,of which he is embarrassed.He can walk,albeit very slowly, without his crutches,but the crutches help takes pressure off his knees.Some days he has no choice but to use the crutches. The amount of pain he is in has aged him a bit.

As I said in my earlier post,"Dartmouth Has the Answers" he went to Dartmouth Hitchcock and got the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Degenerative Arthritis in both knees. The arthritis would keep eating away at joint cartilage in his knees.Half of it is already gone in both.Once we had the diagnosis,Dartmouth sent the report to the VA. So we were waiting for some word on what would be done. Would they try steroid injections? It wouldn't solve the problem,just give minor,temporary relief. Would they approve the surgery?This was in February.

So we waited.....and waited.....and waited.

We were down at the Somersworth VA Outpatient Center for Rick's monthly appt with his PTSD counselor,Ken, in March. We asked if Rick's primary Dr was available to talk to. Dartmouth had sent the report to him,but we hadn't heard anything further.Ken told us that the Dr was gone and wouldn't be back for a couple of weeks,but he looked in Rick's record and indeed,there was a notation that Dartmouth had sent an email to the Dr. OK,we will give it a couple of weeks,then try again.

It's now the beginning of April,and we are in Manchester for Rick's Polytrauma /TBI appt. with Dr Whitlock. We mention what's going on,and he suggests that we contact Lisa Cardullo,who is Rick's TBI case manager. We know Lisa well. She was Rick's first PTSD counselor,until she transferred to the TBI unit. We popped in her office,and she was in a meeting,but we did speak to her intern,Gordon,who took down all our info and said he would speak to Lisa about our situation.

We were on the way home,when Lisa called . She said the Dr had left for the day,but if we wanted to try him ourselves to ask questions,she gave us his extension.She would try again on Monday herself. When Rick called it on Monday morning,he got a secretary who told Rick that the Dr never received anything from Dartmouth. Well, we knew she was mistaken,but that was enough for Rick. He knees were getting worse and worse. Something had to be done,and SOON. So he called Lisa back,and told him what was going on. She said if we could get the report from Dartmouth,and fax it to her,she would give it to the proper people and get this ball rolling. Dartmouth sent us the report,and we faxed it to Lisa. I included a cover letter telling her that Rick was in so much pain,that he was getting very depressed and that he "didn't know how much longer he could take the pain." The morphine barely even touches it. I also explained how not only would he get his quality of life back,but he could now get healthy again,it would help his hypervigilance because he wouldn't feel so vulnerable,etc. Though he will always have issues mentally,if he could at least live his life like he used to be able to physically,it would make all the difference in the world.

Last Friday Rick was on line when his cell phone started to ring (we have dial up). It was a message from Lisa,asking him to call her back. No explanations. He called her back,and I heard him say... " what referral?.......I've already been to Dartmouth.....oh......Surgery?.......for both knees?......I've been approved? Are you serious?!........." As soon as I heard him say it was approved, I started crying. I couldn't believe it. After he got off the phone I threw my arms around him,crying,and kept saying,"I am so happy for you.......I am so happy for you!" I couldn't say anything else. That is what kept popping into my head. We were in shock. We had waited for over two years for just a diagnosis,let alone the surgery! Rick informed me that the VA told him he could go "anywhere he wanted" to have the surgery,but that they figured he would go to Dartmouth. Hell yeah! Dartmouth is one of the best hospitals in the US! We hope he will have Dr Bernini,who gave us the diagnosis. We like him alot.

Fee Basis is sending out his approval paperwork on Monday,but Lisa said Rick should go ahead and schedule his stress test and surgery on Monday. Rick will need a stress test because of his stroke and previous heart surgery. They want to make sure his heart can put up with the stress of undergoing surgery. It shouldn't be a problem.He will also need to stop taking his Plavix for a bit and get a pneumonia shot. Once it set in that they were going to do the surgery,Rick started to cry a bit. I think we are all still a bit on the shocked side. Rick says he can't even imagine being without pain,he has had it for so long. Just walking without pain,let alone being able to do any type of physical activity like he used to! And he can get off the morphine,which will be great. It will make such a difference in all our lives. I can never enjoy going anywhere or doing anything because of the pain I know he is in. I am always worried about it.No more pain! We can go hiking and walking in the woods again! He can wrestle with Zach! He will be able to run! No more handicap parking spaces! No more lugging around crutches that get in the way. My honey is going to at least get his life back!!!

Life is very exciting right now,and Rick is counting down the minutes until he can call Dartmouth and get this going.....we all are!

Dartmouth Has The Answers

On Thursday Feb 18 Rick and I went with some trepidation to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center in Lebanon,NH. The hospital is "down the road" from Dartmouth College one of the oldest colleges in the US,making it one of the "Ivy League" schools.Daniel Webster,the famous lawyer,went there and is something like a 10th cousin many times removed from Rick.( Ok, it's a tad distant,but he is still in the family tree!)

Dartmouth Hitchcock has an excellent reputation as one of the best hospitals in the country.This being said,we were still nervous,especially Rick,who kept wondering what we would do if they said that there was nothing they could do for his knees. We had been so hopeful before only to be told there was nothing that could be done for him. Would he have to be in a wheelchair? Would there come a point where he could no longer walk at all? We needed two answers: an actual diagnosis,and a plan to fix it.

The trip took 2 1/2 hours,which went by fast. We pulled into the parking lot,finally found a space,and walked up to the building. The photo above was taken from our car. The first thing we noticed was how big the building was,and how many cars were there. The lobby was quite big,with four massive archways. To the left was,among other things,xray,planning,and a small food court. Straight ahead was orthopedics,and to the right was Dartmouth College Medical School. Right in the middle was a friendly receptionist who pointed us down to the left and told us which room to go into for Rick's xrays. We brought some MRI's and Xrays from the VA with us,but they wanted do some of their own,which was understandable. They called Rick in about 45 minutes early. After the xrays,we went right to Orthopedics. We were hoping they would take us early again,but that was not to be. Rick was impatient. I kept telling him that we weren't scheduled until 1:30,and he said he was just nervous about what they were going to say,and that he wanted it over with. He forgot to bring a book with him ( I was rereading Outlander by Diana Gabaldon)so the time seemed slower to him. Finally,we got called in.

The first person we sat in with was a resident student,a very nice guy,who's name I unfortunately can't remember. He asked alot of questions,regarding the pain,when it started,what the symptoms were like,and what might have caused the problems. He then pulled up Rick's xrays,and showed us Rick has lost joint cartilage on the inside area of his knees,whereas the outside areas are fine.He also showed us how Rick's legs are now bowed. We felt we learned more from those xrays than all the visits combined in the last two years. Mr Resident then said he would go over the xrays with Dr. Bernini and they would come back.

After about 10 minutes,Dr.Bernini and Mr.Resident come back in. Dr.Bernini is a knee and shoulder specialist,and had written a paper regarding the benefits of simultaneous bilateral knee replacement. He was very friendly and engaging."So...you folks need a diagnosis that is long in coming,don't you?" "Yes, please!!!!" I said. He went over some of the information with Rick again,and said the one thing that no one has said,"I want you to know that you are not crazy....your pain is very real and I know it's real. I have seen worse arthritis,but some people can have bad arthritis and not feel any pain;some people can have very little and be in alot of pain. You appear to have moderately severe arthritis." This was amazing. We have been hearing,"For what we are seeing here,you are claiming to have too much pain." Finally! He then asked if Rick's knees gave out on him,did he fall,did his knees make this sound,did they catch,and you could hear enormous relief in Rick's voice,as he responded "yes"to each question. Usually he would have to tell Drs what was going on,and they still wouldn't figure it out. Dr Bernini knew what was going on,we could tell by the way he asked the questions. He had Rick walk,try to stand on his toes and his heels, He had him sit on the table,and he commented at how loose Rick's kneecaps were.He asked Rick if he could stand up from the table without using his hands to push himself up.He could not.

" I have a diagnosis for you," Dr Bernini said,"and this is not what I think it is,it's what I know it is. He has all the symptoms." He turned to Rick and said,"You have Post Traumatic Degenerative Arthritis." The symptoms are the same as Osteoarthritis,in that it wears away the joint cartilage,creating bone on bone,which causes the grinding and popping that Rick hears. What makes it Post Traumatic is that it's caused by trauma to the body part. (Being a paratrooper,two knee surgeries,and doing 85 lb ruck sack runs in Iraq not to mention carrying that crap all day in the sand led to his problems.)There is no cure,it will only get worse over time. He said we have a couple of options:#1 Rick could get his knees drained and steroid shots in his knees two or three times a year.He would have some relief,but it would be very temporary and the fluid would just come right back, or #2 he could have joint replacement surgery. He is not a candidate for doing both knees at the same time because of his stroke history and his heart disease,but Dr Bernini said that he would do the right one first,since it's the worst,then after 6 weeks he could do the left knee.

I asked him about the bone infarctions,since there had a been a theory that this was what was causing all the problems. "It's a symptom,not the problem,"he informed me. "The infarctions were caused by the pressure from the inflammation and the loss of ligament." So the whole thing is caused by the arthritis.

Come to find out,Dr Bernini is also outsourced to the White River Jct,VT VA Hospital.He said he would send his report and health plan to the VA,and that he would talk to Rick's main physician.He said he would gladly perform the surgery,but the VA might want to do it through their hospital. Rick and I wondered if we could request Dr Bernini at the White River Jct VA.

So....we finally have a diagnosis and a doctor officially saying that he needs surgery.He also asked Rick why he couldn't exercise,and Rick informed him he couldn't move his knees in the proper rotation! He also asked about Rick's activities before his pain.All this is part of the making the case for surgery.

Now we wait for the VA...yet again. Since they are Rick's primary source of medical services,we have to go through them first. I told Rick if we have to pay $20 a month until we are 80 it doesn't matter,he is going to get his knees fixed,come hell or high water.

Orthopedic Disappointment

Today we went to the Boston VA to see the Orthopedic Surgeon. We have been hoping that this appointment would be the one where we would find out what exactly is going on with Rick's knees.
We were wrong.
There is nothing that they can do surgically for Rick's knees. They do not require surgery. He examined Rick,and looked at his Xrays,MRI's and bone scans. He told us that he would not have chronic pain if it was a bone issue.He would only feel pain if he were standing,not sitting,and it wouldn't be so painful that it would be make him sick or keep him up at night.He suggested seeing a Neurologist ( nerves) and a Rheumatologist (joints) as well as Pain Management.He had no explaination for the amount of pain Rick is in,which of course he wouldn't,since bone surgery is his area of expertise,and if it isn't bone related,he wouldn't be able to give us any answers.
I was so upset,I started to cry in the office. I feel so bad for Rick,and there is nothing that I can do. He is in so much pain.We had been waiting so long for this appointment,and now we are back to square one. Rick is down about this news,and I am not much better.He says he no longer cares,and he will just plow thorugh the pain and deal with it,but I know that is just his frustration talking. Of course he cares. But how much can one person take?

Sometimes Things Are Too Much

Yesterday Rick and I had an appointment with his social worker. We see her on a monthly basis. The goal is to help with Rick's PTSD. He usually leads the conversation with what is bothering him the most.
Yesterday it was his knees and how much pain he is in. The fact that he is in pain and vulnerable does not help with PTSD. In fact, it heightens it and makes the hypervigilence more pronounced.
Rick's knees have been getting worse for the last two years. He started with a cane,and that no longer helped. He is now on Canadian crutches,which help take some of the weight off his knees,but even that is no longer working like it used to. He also takes morphine,which is also not helping like it did. He saw his primary care physician yesterday in passing,and asked if he could up his dose. Rick's pain on a scale of 1-10 is a 10 on good days. His tolerance for pain is high,so his 10 would be our 20. We have a consult on the 25th down in Boston,and we are going to demand some answers.
As I was sitting there, listening to him tell the social worker about his knees,I felt worse and worse. He told her about how his knees get so swollen that they get to be 19" around,how much pain he is in,and how he just grits his teeth and deals with it. The kicker was when he was talking about Zach.Zach started hunting last year,and he really enjoys it. Rick has always enjoyed hunting,though he lost some of that enjoyment due to the PTSD,but he always did it,anyway. When his knees started getting bad, he would still go,but couldn't stay out in the woods for long,nor walk far. Rick has been taking Zach out back into the woods to go squirrel hunting,and in doing so,has really walked more than he should and is causing alot more pain because if it. But he is determined to do it for Zach,no matter what pain it causes. Rick kept rubbing his knees as he spoke,because they hurt just sitting there.
I started to cry.
It hurts me so much to see him like this,to know the pain level he is enduring. To know that his quality of life has suffered significantly. I try not to let it show,but I couldn't help it then. " He shouldn't be dealing with this, he's only 47," I sniffled. " I can't stand seeing him like this,it's not right." Rick reached over and took my hand. " It's OK," he said. "Don't cry,things will get better."
We are praying that they do indeed perform some form of surgery,and that they can least cut the pain level to where he can actually walk comfortably,and not need pain medication. We can't wait for the 25th to roll around.