Last Saturday after I posted,my day got worse. I have the dubious distinction of not only having depression and anxiety,but I was diagnosed in 2003 with having PMDDS-PreMenstural Dysmorphic Disorder Syndrome. Let's just say it's PMS,but on massive steroids. (My apologies to my male readers-if you wish to pull your eyes out of your head instead of reading about my female issues,I understand. Please feel free to move on to someone else's blog-you won't hurt my feelings!) I have been very open about my mental issues,though I don't talk about it often-depression runs in my family-and I have been on meds since I was diagnosed. When all three decide to rear their ugly heads at once,it's not a pretty sight. Usually,the Effexor works pretty well-I still get some symptoms before that fun time o' the month,but I can usually control them pretty well. I get irritated quicker than usual,but I can talk myself down from it.
This month,however,there was no way I could do it. I could not control my thoughts,even when using ( or,shall I say, trying to use) rational thinking. Nope.My brain and my emotions were running a marathon,and I couldn't control anything I thought or said.I felt like a hamster on a fast spinning wheel that just wants to get off and rest,but I couldn't. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over yourself. It's a rather scary feeling. I wanted to stop,but I couldn't. I had entered,as I refer to it as ,"the dark place". After I posted here,I had a melt down. Every little thing that I usually don't let bother me came out in a tirade. "Why isn't the front of the garage clean? It was suppose to be done days ago...why can't you guys put your stuff away when your done? Why the hell is there an oil tank in the driveway? It's suppose to have been moved next door weeks ago? Why do are there tools all over the yard? I want a nice yard,a place I can go outside and relax,not see all this crap!" Poor Rick made an attempt to speak during this tongue lashing,at which I cut him off;"No! I don't want you to make this better,I just want you to hear me and let it out!" Bless his heart,he stood there,while I ranted and raved about nothing that in the scheme of things were very important at all. I am sure he wished he had some Holy Water that he could throw on me while yelling,"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" ( That being said,we are not Catholic nor do we believe in exercising demons,but at the moment,he probably wished for both) Then I sobbed for several minutes,apologizing for going Bat Shit Crazy. I wasn't blaming him for anything,mind you,I was just venting because...I couldn't help it.He held me close,rubbed my back,and told me he loved me,and that he knew it wasn't anything personal against him. I just had to let some stuff out. I am so very lucky that I have such an understanding hubby. And one with Valium. A tiny bit of that went a long way. I was finally able to calm down (I am not advocating taking non prescribed medication) and my Bat Shit Crazy I Am The Most Horrible Human Being In The World Because I Just Yelled at My Disabled Husband Over Nothing That Matters feeling finally disappeared. Until Tuesday. But at least Tuesday wasn't so very bad. I could at least control myself,which I was mighty grateful for.
Thursday I was able to have some Estrogen Time with My Dear Friend Michelle,and as usual,we chatted about everything and I came away feeling better. She thanked me for my kind words on my earlier post about her,but she also told me I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone's circumstances are different. True that,Home Slice! While I can talk to Rick about anything and everything,it's lovely to have a girlfriend that I can do that with as well.
So now I am Post Pre,and I feel worlds more like myself. I reorganized my kitchen drawers to make things more convenient (no photos,sorry). I downsized our junk drawer into one smaller drawer,and was able to use the big drawer that held the junk into our silverware/tinfoil/sandwich bag/freezer bag drawer. No more bags in various places. I planted some Sweet Basil,Rosemary,and Hot and Spicy Oregano (I had to buy the plants,my seeds didn't take..though I did replant them in planters to see if might have better luck this time around). Rick and Zach added on to the chicken pen for the New Girls,and are in the process of tearing down the old turkey cage,and will build some trellises for the cukes and peas.
I hope you have a fabulous day,where ever in the fabulous World you are! Thanks for hanging in with me and your kind words of encouragement!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The Queen of Procrastination
Procrastinate,verb; Procrastination,noun..... to put off;delay (Webster's New Pocket Dictionary)
I have given myself a new title-The Queen of Procrastination. With this title,I have decided to give myself a pretty crown to go with it!
I have bemoaned my fate as a procrastinator before.Remember way back in the beginning of the year,when,like each year before it,I announced the end of my procrastination? I was organizing! I was decluttering! I was using my time wisely and to the fullest! Yep indeedy Skippy,this year was going to be different.
Yeah,right.
Have I always been this way? No,I don't think so. I was always nervous about not getting things done in a timely manner. Why,oh why, have I slipped so?
Laziness? I don't think I am lazy. Too busy trying to keep Rick on track? I don't think so. How the heck can I keep him on track when I can't keep my own train running full speed ahead? A bit of depression? Perhaps. It rears it's ugly head more times than I care to count. Sometimes I view my life as very boring when I am in the "dark place." The same thing,day in,day out. Do I need to find my place in the sun? Probably. My Dear Friend Michelle and I have discussed our purpose in life many times. She says that she has found hers homeschooling her boys.It brings her great fulfillment.She is a great inspiration,always doing something-building a bee hive,making her pantry more effective,recreating her craft room into a more cozy schoolroom. This gal has motivation in spades! I,on the other hand look around and say,"Oh well, that can wait."
Posting here is a good example. Something will happen that I want to write about,which, of course,I will write about tomorrow because I want to let the thoughts simmer a bit,or I am in the middle of a good book,or something or another. Then of course,tomorrow becomes today,and no blog post. I still haven't downloaded the photos from our trip (which was very enjoyable,by the way). I have barely read any blogs in the last few weeks,either,so my Blogging Friends, please don't take offense.It's me,not you.
Sometimes I get so mired in procrastination that I feel I can't get out...heck,I don't know how to get out! I've tried several things,none of which last more than a couple of weeks. Always inspired,very little follow through. Sigh. I feel like a huge fake.
Have any of you been through this? If so,what helped you out of it? I am more than willing to hand my title off at any time!!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
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