How My Veteran Is Doing And New VA Programs For Family Members

Some of you who have been following this blog since it's inception may be wondering how Rick is doing.

He,as he always will,has good days and bad days. A good day is when he doesn't let his limitations frustrate him too much. A bad is when he lets his speech,reading,or thought patterns get to him and he gets overwhelmed and angry.

For those who are new to this blog,my husband was wounded in  an RPG attack in  Ramadi,Iraq on July 28, 2005. He suffers from chronic PTSD, and moderate TBI which has spawned all kinds of issues with reading comprehension,speech,thought process, writing,math,taste,smell,and memory. It has also caused issues with his pituitary gland,so he has to take testosterone shots,and he has hypothyroidism.The trauma also triggered Celiac's Disease. Our journey with the military and the VA,as well as our daily experiences dealing with all this led me to write this blog. It was a great outlet for me,and I was hopeful that perhaps someone who had been going through our experience could find solace in the fact that they are not the only ones who are dealing with these things.

Rick had begun a 12 week program through the VA called Cognitive Therapy. Unfortunately,as soon as he began remembering things that happened in Iraq ( causing him to have a bad flashback which led him to cry for almost an hour) his counselor wound up having to take a medical leave of absence. We are still waiting to  hear when a new counselor will be assigned. There are so many soldiers coming back with PTSD and TBI that the VA is having a heck of a time keeping up,and I am heartened that the President has called on the VA to hire 800 more new counselors and for more money to be spent for mental issues.While it seems frustrating  (and it can be!) the VA is actually in much better shape than in 2006 when Rick started going. The government was just not ready to deal with all the mental challenges that our service men and women were coming home with,and we actually had no TBI diagnosis until 2007. Now testing is mandatory when soldiers enter the VA system. 

At any rate,we are waiting for a new PTSD counselor,although to be honest,Ken (our old one) felt Rick was about ready to  start coming only every few months once the 12 week program was over,instead of every month like he had been doing before he began the program. He has been seeing PTSD counselors since 2006. 

Rick is on what is called in military speak,TDRL ( Temporary Disabled Retirement Program). He can be kept on this for up to 5 years. He has to submit to testing whenever the military wants. This is a mandatory program for all vets who come back with PTSD. The hope is that with counseling,the vet will get better and be able to function in society,work,etc. That is all well and good for a soldier that gets help once they leave theater,but Rick received very little help once he was sent stateside after he was wounded. (He was sent to Fort Gordon,GA med hold) They basically gave him Valium and maybe once a month therapy for an hour,if it wasn't cancelled. Again, the government was not prepared for the influx of soldiers with mental issues. He dealt with this for 9 months  and didn't start getting real help until the middle of 2006 when he started going to the VA,almost a year after his injury.The PTSD combined with his TBI makes me shake my head that the military is bothering to put him in this program,but I suppose rules are rules (even if they don't make sense-and the military rarely makes sense).

This past Spring,we went to Gilford for a physical and Boston for mental evaluations for the military.This was an update from when he went to the med board at Fort Drum three years ago to see if there was any improvement ,regression,or if things remained the same. We just heard back from them,and they want Rick to go through another physical evaluation-for his back (which has some problems with from back surgery long ago),his knees ( which are now fixed) and for his hearing (which,it was noted,has gotten worse). Why they are concentrating on these three issues is beyond me. The main issues are the mental problems,not the physical ones,at least,now since he has had both his knees replaced.The psychiatric Dr in Boston reaffirmed what others had told us-he can never work in the public realm again. Again, I don't understand the military's reasoning,but considering everything else they put us through (three med boards) we are just dealing with it.

Today he began filling out a form for a service dog so he can be more independent and go to stores,etc.They have great programs for vets that have PTSD/TBI. Right now it's too much for him to go to,say Walmart,by himself. We got as far as the second page and he had to stop. His poor brain was on overload.

I am in two new programs in the VA. The first one is the VA Caregiver Support program for spouses who are caregivers for their veterans. We have a phone group that touches base twice a month,and we have a workbook with a different subject for each phone session. I was asked specifically to join this group from the head of the Poly trauma  (PTSD/TBI)  Unit at the Manchester VA (she used to be Rick's PTSD counselor before Ken).She felt that since I had been going through this for so long,I might be able to offer some insight to newer wives. Though it's a good program,I wish it had been available when I really needed it 6 years ago.Most of it is what I have already dealt with,although there are still ongoing subjects that we continue to  struggle with. This program allows us to  have a counselor come to the house every three months to check in on us to see if there is anything she  can help with,any questions she can answer,etc. Her name is Donna ( easy to remember!) and she is nice. She also brings a PTSD counselor that sits down with Brother B and I to discuss whatever issues may have come up. (Brother B is Rick's secondary caregiver).

The second program is called the SAFE Program-Support and Family Education. This is for members of the Caregiver Support Program. We meet once a month in Manchester,and like the previous program,it has a topic for each meeting.This is a more informative program rather  than a counseling type of meeting. Our first meeting is What Causes Mental Illness. Some other topics include Depression,PTSD and it's impact on the family,Setting Boundaries,Problem solving,Creating a Low Stress Environment,Taking Care of Yourself,Managing Stress,TBI, etc. I can go to whatever topic applies,so I don't have to go every month,though I will probably go to most of them. I am very happy that the VA is now not only looking out for the Vets,but their families as well. PTSD and TBI is not just the soldiers problem,as it affects all members and dynamics of the family.No one should be ashamed to ask for help. Too many veterans are committing suicide. It's so sad and horrible.

If you are a vet,or a family member of vet who needs help,please do not wait !!! Go to your local VA. There is no shame in admitting you need help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!

Have a fabulous day on this Fabulous Planet!

Happy Veterans Day

Today we honor those who have protected our freedom. Where Memorial Day honors those who gave the ultimate sacrifice,Veterans Day honors all those who were willing to put their life on the line for us.

As for my family,I have had many who have served: My Dad ( Army, New Guinea,WWII),my brother Valmore (Army, Vietnam),my brother in law,Tom ( Air Force,Vietnam),my brother Dennis ( Sea Bees,Gulf War),my niece Tara (Air Force,OIF),and her hubby Scott (Air Force,OIF), my Uncle Bobby (Army,Korea),and my Uncle Valmore (Army,WW II-killed in Hawaii by someone in his tent cleaning his rifle).Brother B was in the Army National Guard. My father in law,Dick,was in the Coast Guard during the Bay of Pigs. Rick's uncle was a POW in Vietnam.

                            

While my family has had many serve,Rick's family has a long line of military service.His family has been here in the US since the 1620's. They came over from England with the wave of Puritans fleeing for their religious freedom.In fact,he has family members that arrived in Plymouth,MA in the boat after the Mayflower,which was called the Anne.He has had family members who fought in every war since the French and Indian Wars.Some died in war,one at Valley Forge,and a  great great grandfather who died in the Civil war at Fredricksburg and is buried in Virginia.

A down time moment at Camp Shelby,MS

                                             
When I met Rick,he was already a veteran.He had been in Airborne in the 1980's,stationed in Italy and had been in many "quick" combat missions (which of course,he can't tell me about). I refer to them as "Reagan's Secret Little Wars." He did serve in Nicaragua,which is not a place he remembers with great fondness.

In 2000,he wanted to get back into service,so he joined the National Guard. Then of course, 9/11 happened,and he went to Iraq after doing two tours on Homeland Security at the Air National Guard base down in Newington(Former Pease Air Force Base,now the Pease International Tradeport)

Ready to meet whatever comes his way

                                   Rick was sent to Ramadi,which at the time was the worst place in Iraq. It is located in the Sunni Triangle,or,"The Triangle of Death." It is on a main highway from Syria,where many of the insurgents came from. To quote one solider, "In 2004-2005,Ramadi was the shit." Reporters were rarely allowed into the city because it was so dangerous. Rick became a Scout,which meant he could sneak around gathering intel,or kick in doors and take prisoners. He also called in air support,and was a "long distance problem solver." They were attacked daily,several times a day.He saw combat each day.He took lives. He also helped train the Iraqis,which on more than one occasion, fled when they were attacked,leaving Rick by himself. When they went on patrol in town,he was either on point or in the rear. He did not have the luxury of staying at Forward Operating Base (FOB).He stayed in Outposts in outside of town.They were wooden shacks,no shower,etc. There were those who were at the base who never left it. They were referred to as FOBBITS by those who actually engaged in combat,and it was not a compliment. When there would be hot water at the FOB,it would be gone by the time Rick and his fellow Scouts went to shower,because the officers used it all (who never left the base).

One of the outposts 

                                             

One of my favorite phots

                                                       
Before Rick was in the Scouts,he was in a squad that patrolled in Bradleys. He was in the turret quite often.

                                                               

He was wounded on July 28,2005 in an RPG attack. He spent two weeks at Landstahl in Germany,before being sent to Fort Gordon,GA ( Walter Reed was full) where he was in medhold until April 2006.

Rick home for good!

                                       

Of course,that is where our struggle as a family really began-living with PTSD and TBI and dealing with it. It has made us stronger,but it took a toll on our marriage for a few years. His emotional walls were up so high,I could tell as soon as I held him for the first time since he was wounded that he wasn't the same.I could feel it. It took a few years for those walls to come down,thanks to medication and therapy (which he still does) and he is more like his old self. Our connection finally returned three years ago,and it still took a while to get back to where we were even then.

So,while this day is about Veterans and their sacrifices,I want to give a shout out to the families of veterans as well. They cried tears of sorrow,tears of joy,and tears of frustration. There are some whose loved ones are no longer here,and there are those who lost their loved ones due to mental issues and who have seen their marriages crumble. There are those who are caregivers to the physically and mentally disabled,and there are those who are blessed with no issues.Whatever their circumstances,they also deserve to be thought of today.

A couple years ago,we went to Malone,NY to visit the boyhood home of Almanzo Wilder(Laura Ingalls Wilder's hubby). Our tour group consisted of the three of us and a couple from Ontario. The gentleman was a retired member of the Canadian Air Force. Rick thanked him for his service to his country and shook his hand. The gentleman looked taken aback at first,thanked Rick as well,then commented,"It took me 19 years and to have to come to the US before anyone ever thanked me." So...thank you. Thank you to our wonderful Canadian friends up North (hello,Kymber),thank you to all those countries who have sacrificed for the greater good and who have supported the US with your blood,sweat,and tears throughout our history,and of course,thank you to My Fellow Americans. You continue to keep us free. I am humbled and grateful.

Changes

Those of you who have been following me for a long time know that the main reason I started this blog was to have an outlet for our journey with Rick's PTSD and TBI.I wanted to have a place to not only vent but also to let other folks in our position know that they are not alone. It has been a long process,from when he came home in April in 2006 to now. When he came home,he was the opposite of the man I married. He was no longer outgoing,filled with humor,affectionate,and easy going. He was quick to anger, quiet,kept to himself,and had emotional walls built up. I knew it wasn't going to get better if he didn't get help,so I gave him a "choice"-either get help,or live alone. I was not going to have my son brought in up walking on eggshells,nor did I want to live like that,no matter how much I loved my husband. Or should I say,I loved the man I married,which I knew still existed inside of him somewhere.

Rick has not told me everything that he experienced in Ramadi,but I do know that he was under attack everyday,was in many firefights,,did have to take lives,saw friends die,kicked down doors and took prisoners,gathered intelligence,and had some situations where he was involved in hand to hand combat.Some things he cannot remember,and whether that is due to his brain injury or just blocking it out we don't know.

What I do know is he has come a very long way. He has his sense of humor back,he is more outgoing,and is more comfortable in public.He is affectionate again. That is not to say he still doesn't have flashbacks,or doesn't get  anxious in public or unfamiliar surroundings or situations. He will always suffer from PTSD and will always need meds to help him out. He will always have effects from the brain injury-he gets confused when he reads,and filling out forms is alot for him. He still spells as words sound,not as they suppose to be written. He forgets things. He has to have sound on even numbers on the TV.He is on Ritalin,and that has been a big help in making him focus on tasks. He will never work again,and that bothered him greatly for a long time. He says he is now coming to grips with it. Now that his knees have been fixed that has helped as well.He is no longer in agonizing pain,and is no longer on morphine. Physically,he can now do many more things,even if it can still be overwhelming for him mentally.

Our marriage took a hit for quite a while. I won't lie and say it wasn't difficult. There were many times I would look at our marriage photo and cry because I wanted that man back. It was hard being shut out and being kept at arms length,when I had always been happily wrapped in his arms! Those who have been through it know what I mean. It made me sad,depressed,and angry.  The wall was between us for a few years. However,we worked through it together,and we have our old relationship back. It took 5 years,but we are now in a good place. Rick is in a good place. Which is why I changed the theme of this blog. It's now more about our daily journey here,less about Rick. Things are on a much more even plane now.

Each day we get up and are happy with our lives. We love each other,our son,our home,and plodding along on our little piece of heaven.It's wonderful to see Rick be able to work his own property,at his own pace,and get such a sense of accomplishment.Right now he and Brother B are outside with the tractor,in the drizzle,putting fill in the backyard. He loves it! I am so proud of how far he has come,and am grateful that he can work as hard as he can and have purpose. We are finally back to where we were. I hope that other families who are dealing with PTSD and TBI and survive and come out on the other side as we have.

Lest We Forget The 1%

Yesterday I was watching Oprah,as usual. On this show was Tom Brokaw,Bob Woodward,and First Lady Michelle Obama. They were there to talk about veterans and military families.

Tom Brokaw had called Oprah to ask here when she was going to do a show about  veterans, those who gave the ultimate sacrifice and their families. She replied that she had just done a show about female veterans. He asked her if she personally knew anyone who was serving or who had served. She replied that she didn't.He responded that was because only 1% of folks here in the US serve in the military,so chances are,because she didn't know any veterans,she probably didn't think a lot about it.

She realized that he was right.It wasn't in her consciousness.This is true of many Americans. It's not that they don't support the troops, but,if you don't know someone who served,the war is far away. Since we don't see much of it on TV,it falls to back burner.



When Rick was wounded back in 2005,I told folks what happened. He was in an RPG attack.People would look at me blankly,and the first question they would ask is,"What's an RPG?"

I was shocked. Now,this was when things were bad in Iraq and it was all over the news. RPGs and IED's where common lingo,I thought. Yet people didn't know what RPG stood for. ( It stands for Rocket Propelled Grenade,by the way).

The first Oprah story was about a solider who,in 2005,was in Iraq and his vehicle hit an IED. He wound up blind,and had to learn how speak and walk again. Part of his skull had been removed. The second story was about a Mom who visits her son 3-4 times a year.She brings his favorite music,and reads to him.Her son is buried in Arlington National Cemetery. He was killed in Ramadi in January 2005,just a few months before Rick arrived .In 2005, Ramadi was the worst place on earth. Rick still cannot talk about everything he did and saw over there.

It is going on 6 years since Rick was wounded. However,sometimes I still have a big problem watching wounded veterans,especially ones with severe brain injuries or stories about those who gave their lives. I started crying during the first segment,and when the second segment came on,I cried even harder. Especially since this particular solider was killed in Ramadi.It's a mixture of feelings. First,you feel bad for the soldier and their family.Then you put yourself in their place.If one of the three RPG's had landed closer,or if Rick had run in the wrong direction,he could've been blinded,incapacitated,or worse. Then comes the overwhelming feeling of gratitude that your loved one only has the injury that he has. It can always be much worse.

I am grateful to First Lady Obama and Dr Jill Biden for working to help military families. It seems the less we hear about the wars,the less interested people are in it. Don't get me wrong,we have had lovely people come up to Rick,shake his hand,and thank him for his service. It makes us feel good.Actions,however,speak louder than words. If you don't know someone who is serving,there are many organizations that you can contact to see how you can help an active duty member or a disabled vet.I think the First Lady has some links on her website. Some groups I am aware of are the Veterans Administration,the Wounded Warriors Project,the American Legion,or the VFW.

We cannot forget our 1%.They are bearing the burden for the remaining 99% so we can live in freedom.Bless all those who have served.Without them,we wouldn't be who we are.

First Veggies!

Here are the first veggies from the garden. Sugar Peas and a Walla Walla Onion. The onion I probably should've let go longer,but I saw it halfway out of the dirt...and well....I got excited.What can I say?

Though there weren't enough peas to cook up,I have put them in fridge,and will pick more today. Since I have never grown peas before,I wasn't sure what length of time I should leave them on the vine once they plump up. Rick ( who is very thankful to be home) had the onion chopped up on a few gluten free hot dogs the day I picked it (Weds) and he pronounced it delicious. So that is encouraging.

I moved the dirt from around the onion bulbs so they can grow larger. My neighbors,Kelly and Darlene,came down to see Rick and Kelly asked me what had happened to my onions,because the green tops were now all down and brown. I told him that was normal. He thought an animal had gotten into them and bedded down!! It is not a pretty site,that's for sure.

Tomorrow Zach and I are going to the Lessard family reunion. That is my Dad's side of the family. There aren't many of my father's siblings left. His youngest sister,my Aunt Rachel, is living with her daughter Sue in WA. She has Alzheimer's ( that makes four siblings-my uncle Richard,my Dad,and my Aunt Marcy all passed away from complications). I believe my Dad has two or three half brothers and sisters left who are younger than my Aunt Rachel. I know my Uncle Phil is still alive. Most of the people at the reunion will be cousins. Rick will not be going,he is not up to going anywhere and visiting yet. Zach and I will go for a couple of hours with my Mom,my sister Linda,and her husband,Tom. My brothers live out in WI,so they will not be going.

Tomorrow night we have our Fourth of July celebration. We will have a BBQ with hot dogs,cheeseburgers,homemade crock pot beans,homemade potato salad,and I am going to make cake. I have frozen blueberries and strawberries that I am going to defrost,and add a bit sugar to. They will be the topping for the cake,and we will put Cool whip on top of that. When it gets dark,we will set off fireworks. The last time we went to a town sponsored fireworks display is when Zach was little. After Rick got back from Iraq,he didn't want to go because of the crowds,so we started doing things at home. It has evolved through the years,first with sparklers and firecrackers (which they don't sell anymore);now we have several roman candles,exploding Bin Laden heads,fountains,Morning Glories,and other assorted goodies. We have invited our neighbors to come down and see them. We have a fire in the fire circle,sit around,chat,and set off the fireworks. We relax on the Fourth.

I am off to bake the cake and make the potato salad!

Ahhhh......Nice!

Today is chilly and rainy here in the Granite State. Last night when I shut off my TV,I could hear the rain hitting the roof,which I love. There is something very relaxing about it. I fell asleep pretty fast.

It is now 12:22 PM,and it's still raining,the wind is blowing,and there is a rawness to the air. I went grocery shopping with my fleece over- shirt on,then went to fill the car up for our trip to Dartmouth Hitchcock tomorrow,so we wouldn't have to stop on the way. When I went in to pay,there was an older gentleman leaning against the counter,drinking a coffee. As I walked in, I shook a bit and said," Brr!" The gentleman said to me,"Chilly out there, huh?" " Yes, it's quite raw out there today," I replied. "Raw..that's the word for it. We ain't into summer yet!" he agreed,nodding.

After I got home, I grabbed a couple of bags from the trunk,and, as I was walking up the walkway (that is lined with wood chips now!) I glanced up at the roof,and noticed that our woodstove chimney was smoking. Rick had started a fire in the wood stove. Yes!

As soon as I walked into the house,the warmth from the fire hugged me like an old friend. Ahhhh....nice! It felt great! Rick helped me bring in the rest of the groceries,then I went over to the stove and spread my hands out over it,warming them up. Lovely,lovely warmth.

There is something comforting about wood heat. It feels and smells wonderful. There is nothing like it. Those of you who have woodstoves know what I mean. Yes, it can get messy bring wood to and fro,and you have to cut it to size and make sure you have kindling. However,if the power goes out,we have a warm house. We can use the generator for other things,such as our toliet,fridge,stove,or TV. We do have a furnace, but because our tank is outside,we have to use the K-1 mix,which tends to cost more than straight oil. So we use the woodstove for the most part,except in the winter when the nights are really cold, or if there is just a wee bit of chill in the house early in the morning,when a quick turn of the thermostat will take care of it fast. Days like this,however, the nice even heat of the stove is great.

I did make a boo boo today. At least, I feel I made a boo boo. Rick says otherwise. I put the laundry in the washing machine,and turned on the ceiling fan in the living room to make the heat circulate a bit. Well, apparently the washing machine was off balance a bit,and it started making a thumping noise. When I went back into the living room,Rick was on the computer,but he had a funny look on his face. Uh oh. I know the look. I saw him listening hard,and I said," It's the washing machine." Then I saw him look at the ceiling fan. " I put the fan on to circulate the heat. I should've told you,I'm sorry." Rick had experienced a flashback. He has strong ones if he hears helicopters,or anything resembling a helicopter. The combination of the thump of the dryer,and the shadow of the blades on the wall to the right of him triggered it. He shook his head a bit,then said, "I hate when this happens,"then he wiped tears from his eyes. I gave him a big hug,and said," I'm sorry,it' s my fault. I should've told you. I didn't realize the washer would be off balance." "It's not your fault," he replied." It just happens." I have asked him what he thinks about when this happens, and he just says it's the helicopters coming in to take care of the wounded.Whether it triggers fire fights,seeing friends get flown out to Balaad,his own wounded flight to Balaad,or something else is unclear. I don't press him about it.

On a lighter note,since it's raining today,that means no work outside,so I tidied up our bedroom,dusting and sweeping. I also dusted and swept the hallway,bathroom,and living room. It's low key kind of day. I may very well go and continue my re-read of "Outlander",by Diana Gabaldon,after I take care of the laundry. I think the weather will tie in nicely with the Scottish Highland backdrop of the book! Then again,I was planning on baking some cookies,so I should get that done first!

Rick has just presented me with lunch- a ham,cheese,broccoli,onion,mushroom and tomato omelet with toast. It's delicious! Nice, hearty pieces in it,not tiny little chopped up ones. He is a great cook. What a lucky woman I am!!!!!

A Step Forward

So far I have been doing pretty well on my weight. I have not missed one work out session,and have cut WAY back on my bread intake. So far I have lost 7 lbs. My motivation has been never been stronger. This time I am going to see it through! I do have my moments when bad things call to me,and I literally have to talk myself out of eating something. Like anything else,it's one day at a time.

We continue to plan for the spring,and Rick's enthusiasm is still very strong.He is talking about building a small smokehouse.The other day we priced lighting for seed starting.We do still have to figure out how much to plant. I have had a bit of a procrasination issue going on which I need to snap out of.

Last night we watched "The Hurt Locker,"about a detonation team in Iraq. Rick wanted to watch it. I wasn't sure he was going to. I have rented Iraq war movies before,and he has never been able to watch. Usually he will either ask me to shut it off or he will leave the room. However,he watched the whole thing,and even said it was a good movie. If there was something going on that he had went through,he would discuss it ia bit.I kept asking throughout the movie if he was OK,and he kept saying he was. He said that movie wasn't bad. I am sure there are others that he probably could not watch still,such as ones with more combat. However,one movie is a step foward.

Rick's Narrative Summary from Walter Reed got sent back to Fort Drum,but they wanted more info,so in a couple of weeks,we should have their final assessment. We are keeping our fingers crossed that they give him a fair percentage.

Two more months until Spring!!!!!

New Medication

We went to our home away from home,the Manchester VA this morning for the results from Rick's blood work a couple weeks ago. They tested him for everything-cortisol levels,testosterone levels, adrenal fatigue syndrome,etc. Rick has had been very tired doing anything, even walking. He also has has a noted lack of endurance and strength. Not to mention a lack of libido.
Well, his cortisol levels were not too bad,and the Dr did not feel it necessary to put him on steroids,though he did say that if Rick became very ill with the flu or the like that he would want to give him an injection to help him bounce back. No adrenal fatigue syndrome. However...his testosterone is extremely low.
We had always assumed that his being tired had to do with the amount of medication he takes ( which we figured out to slightly over 1,000 pills a month),and his libido has been an issue since he got back from Iraq. It is a symptom of PTSD and TBI. We never thought about hormonal levels,since he's only 47. Well, surprise! His TBI, even though mild,has caused his pituitary gland to not secrete testosterone correctly.
Needless to say,we were both relieved that the Dr found the cause of these problems. Starting tonight, Rick starts using a hormone patch,which he will change every night. If the patch causes any skin irritation,then they will use a topical gel. It should take about 2 weeks before he notices any big changes. This is the approximate time it takes to get fully into the blood stream. Rick is very anxious to start feeling more like his old self.
The only other news we have had is regarding his eyes. The specialist we saw last week said that he felt the double vision that Rick is experiencing was caused by the stroke,and because it's not an eye but a brain issue,there is nothing they can do. It is extremely rare for a patient who suffers from double vision from a stroke to continue to see double.Normally that goes away after a period of time. There is a small chance it could still go away,but because it's been over a year now,it's not likely. I joked, " You don't do anything halfway,do you?"
We go to see an Orthopedist in Boston at the end of the month for a consult. We still don't know for sure what is going on with his knees-what are the dark spots in his bones? Does he have rheumetoid arthritis? They are still considering knee surgery. I hope so. Both knees are so swollen that now his ankles are starting to swell,and the pain can get so bad that it makes him nauseous. This happens even though he takes 6 doses of morphine a day for it. Right now, it does nothing for the pain. If only they can get rid of some it! It would mean so much for his quality of life. Hopefully we will get some answers.
We are also waiting for the results of the sleep study.
As always,many questions, but the answers are taking time in coming.

A Fall and A Frustrating Call

A few days ago, Rick had gone outside to check on our turkeys. I was in the living room,reading a book,when I heard a car horn. It sounded to me like it was down the street,so I didn't bother to check it out. Brian,my brother in law,was on the other side of the house and heard the horn as well, but he heard it better. He went to look out our screen porch,and I saw him go flying outside.
Well I knew something was wrong,so I went outside quickly. Rick was laying by our well. Brian was helping him up. Apparently his knee gave out,and even with his Canadian crutches,he couldn't support himself and fell. He had tried getting up,but he couldn't. He hit the house with his crutch to try to get our attention, but it didn't make enough noise. Since he was right next to the car,he opened the door and used his crutch to hit the horn. Thankfully,he was not like that for very long at all. At first,I thought that he had broken leg,but thankfully,that was not the case. His knees hurt too much to support his weight. He was very embarrassed that he had to have someone help him up.
He now makes sure that he carries his cell phone which has a walkie talkie component with him whenever he goes outside.
We got a call yesterday regarding Rick's med board process. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a series of evaluations the military makes to determine how incapacitated a solider is,if he is indeed unfit for service,and if he is deemed unfit,how much percentage of his pay they will pay him for the rest of his life. Since we live in NH,Rick has to go to Fort Drum,NY for this evaluation. He had been once, in 2007. On the last day of trip,the Dr informed him that his paperwork was not complete and that he would have to come back. Well, that would be fine, except they only take 2 NH National Guard soldiers a month. If he was active duty,the wait wouldn't be so long. ( Bear in mind when he was wounded,he had been put on active duty!) He finally got to go back 2 years later,this past March. After all was said and done,Fort Drum contacted us and said they wanted another test,a Neuro Psych eval to help determine the level of his traumatic brain injury. In 2007 Rick had tried to do this test for the VA,but because his PTSD was not more controlled,his attention span was very poor,and he couldn't finish the test. He took the test in May,and it was determined that he has moderate PTSD,depression,and had mild TBI. So now, we have to wait for the Dr to type his report and put it Rick's medical file,then have the copy sent to us,then we send the copy to Ft Drum. This took longer than usual because the Dr was outsourced.
Tuesday Fort Drum called to inform Rick that the person who they were waiting for to read this test and write the final part of the Narrative Summary had be rotated out,so he could not review the test or write his part of the report. ( The Narrative Summary is the compilation of all the evaluations. The soldier gets to read it,if he agrees with the findings,he signs it,then it goes to Walter Reed where it is read and evaluated by three different drs who come up with a final disability rating).A new person took over and would be reviewing Rick's info.
Yesterday,we received more news. They wanted some more info. The Neuro Psych eval mentioned his "blackouts" where he will suddenly not know where he is or why he is there. Further evaluation was suggested regarding this,thinking it may be some type of brain seizure. Well,we have a Neuro TBI followup in a couple of weeks,and Ft Drum wants those results. OK,no problem. The Neuro Psych eval also mentioned Rick's heavy snoring,and possible sleep apnea ( I have never seen him have this problem). Ft Drum wants any reports regarding that. Well, there aren't any.They also want to know if his heart is fully healed for any regular activity. Yes, and getting that report is not a problem. So far, so good. Then,they told Rick that he has to GO BACK to Fort Drum for another Behavioral Health evaluation. The dr that left did his BH eval,so the new doctor wants to evaluate him herself,which,is a good thing,but not so good if you have been through the med board process three times ( the first was when he was in GA in med hold, he was only a day or so away from signing his Narrative summary when they sent him orders cutting him from active duty and sending him home. It made that med board null and void). Rick was so angry,that when he got off the phone, he couldn't even tell me what was said. He just said, "I can't talk about it now." He is worried that it will take months before he goes back, but he was told once they get all the info they request,they will give him an appt ASAP. I hope so. At his point, we just want the whole thing to be over with.

July 2005

After Rick left Manchester,he went to Camp Shelby,Mississippi for training before heading over to Kuwait and then Iraq.
For a while, we were not sure where he was. When he sent his first letter home,we discovered from his return address that he was in Ramadi, in the Anbar Province. I had never heard of Ramadi,and knew nothing of it. What I did know I heard from the news. Anbar Province was a hot bed of activity from the insurgents. There was alot of fighting going on there. Of course, Rick never mentioned fighting,in his emails or letters. He did mention that he had "just got back from" a mission or had "a quick chance to write"before a mission. We did have access to emails, but whenever the FOB (forward operating base) was under attack,it would get shut down.
While Rick was there, he tried for and became a member of the Scouts, so he was attached to the Vermont unit.While I would like to say what he did while he was there, and what life was like,I can't. I keep asking Rick," Can I say this? Can I tell them you did that?" And he keeps saying no. This is too much of a public forum. What I can say is, that when Rick was there, it was considered one of the most dangerous places in the world.
Some wives will tell you that they never considered the possibility that their solider wouldn't come home. Though I knew Rick could take care of himself, my mind could not help but go there. I would envision his funeral,and each time it was different.It would be sunny,it would be rainy,I would be the stoic wife,I would throw myself on his coffin in a very dramatic display of grief. I just couldn't help it. Maybe it was my way of preparing myself, I don't know. The military mantra," Pray for the best,prepare for the worst," certainly became more clear to me.
I would see stories about soldiers who had been killed on TV and cry.That actually continued quite awhile after Rick came back. I could certainly place myself in that family. I would think,'There but for the grace of God...."
July2005, Rick had been in Iraq for about 2 months. He was on the FOB when the base sustained an RPG ( rocket propelled grenade) attack. It was not just one,it was several in quick secession,and it happened right where he was walking. When one exploded,he ran,but another one went off where he was running to,then he ran the other direction where a third one went off.
He got lifted off his feet,but cannot remember if he landed on his feet,or got knocked to the ground. He does remember hearing the schrapnel flying all around. He was very lucky-no schrapnel hit him. He did notice months later that sand kept working its way out of his skin,it was so deeply inbedded. After the attack,he noticed nothing unusal,and a few hours later, he was on his way to go out for another mission when he had a searing chest pain,confusion,and the left side of his face dropped. At first, they thought he was suffering a heart attack or stroke,but that was ruled out.(We later learned that facial drop is a symptom of a brain injury.) His heart rate dropped down to extremely low levels,so much so that they evacuated him to Balaad,then to Longstahl Hosptial in Germany.He was in intensive care there for two weeks;there was specualtion that the concussion from the blast had done something to his heart rhythm,since he had no issues before. The Army was in the process of making arrangements to fly me out,when I received word that he was going to be coming home,to Walter Reed on a critical care flight.
After landing in Washington,DC,he was told that Walter Reed was full,so they sent him to Fort Gordon, in Augusta,GA. Once he was there, they determined that we was no longer in critical status,so the military would not fly me to see him. I was quite upset,as you can imagine. Plane tickets were quite expensive,and we did not have that kind of money.I just wanted to see my husband! We were very fortunate that Bea,from our Family Support knew about the Fisher House. The Fisher House is a great non profit organization that helps military families. People donate unused frequent flyer miles and military families use them in cases such as this. I spoke to Rick to see if he wanted me to to fly down,but he said it could be possible for him to fly up,since he was no longer in the hospital and was now in med hold status in the barracks. He would have to clear it. Long story short, it was cleared,and in August he came home for a week's leave. A soon as I saw him,though, I knew that something was wrong. This man was not the man I married.

Time To Go

I had gone grocery shopping,and had come through the door,when Rick's brother Brian (who lives with us) helped me with some bags,then told me that Rick called from El Salvador. He had gotten word that he was going to Iraq. Rick had asked him to tell me. I guess Rick couldn't.
No one can guess what their response will be when they find out that their husband is going to war, especically in light of what had happened in Fallujah and Mosul. I was somewhat shocked,but in all honestly,had been expecting it. I think the shock was more that he had found out while he was in El Salvador. They certainly didn't wait to give him the news,which meant he was going soon.
He only in El Salvador for two weeks,and couldn't call home much. In fact,we believe that is the only phone call he made home. I do know that it was only a few days before he was home,and we could get the full story.
A Colonel went down to El Salvador to let all the soliders who had volunteered for Iraq know that they were going,and would be gone within a month.
It went by fast.
We had to have all the conversations that no one likes to have,but have to. IF the worst happens, what were his wishes? I wrote everything down,hoping I would never have to look at it again.
The pressure on Rick started early. Please bear in mind, Rick was one of the oldest soldiers going,had been in combat,and knew his way around weapons. He had trained with and did missions with the 10th Mountain Division and the Green Berets when he was in Airborne,and came very close to being in the Rangers ( I think he haddn't been in his rank long enough,there was some technicality)He was an excellent marksman,and the younger guys respected him. He was ( and is) an excellent soldier. Everyone wanted to be by his side when the you-know-what hit the fan. He was very good under pressure,and kept a clear head. They knew he would know what to do,and that I am sure gave the younger soldiers comfort. The problem was this:parents started coming up to Rick,asking him to take care of their sons. One wife even told him that she would be angry ( she actually mentioned castration) if anything happened to her husband. While these people surely were afraid for their loved ones,and certainly didn't mean any harm,it hit Rick really hard. I went into the bedroom shortly before he left,and he had tears running down his face. I had rarely seen him tear up,so I knew that something was seriously wrong. "What I am going to do if something happens to one of them? These families are relying on me." He then told me their requests. I could understand their fears,but I pointed out to Rick that it wasn't just up to him. It was their responsiblity to watch out for each other,and his responsibility to come home to us.
He was going to be gone for 18 months,which seemed like forever. There were rumors about where he was going,but we weren't really sure, How in the world was I going to get through for that long period of time? We had never really been apart for more than a few days. Zach was in first grade and in Cub Scouts. Rick was going to miss out on so much.
The day came when he and the rest of the 20 were going to fly out of Manchester Airport. I don't even remember what we said on the drive. Rick said his goodbyes to Zach and Brian at the house,so it was just the two of us. Saying goodbye at the hotel was really hard. Rick asked if I wanted to stay there for the night, but I really couldn't. I just couldn't prolong the goodbye anymore. I felt bad,but I knew he understood.( Even as I write this,I have tears in my eyes. The memory and feeling is still that strong. No one knows or understands what it is like to leave your loved one to go to war unless they have gone through it. No one) As I pulled away,he saluted me,then went inside. I drove the hour and 20 minutes home,hoping I didn't get in an accident because of all the tears in my eyes.My best friend was gone,and all I could do was pray for his safety. Everything was out of our hands.