" I Just Want My Dignity Back"

So sorry that I have been gone for a bit.

Rick has sent his application for a  PTSD/TBI service dog out. I cannot recall off hand the name of the organization that he is trying to go through,but it is in central MA. He received the application from the VA several months ago,and it took him a long time to sit down and start it. Part of it was the fact that it was 10 pages long,and he can only do a few questions at a time before he gets overwhelmed and has to stop. I of course,help him out with the questions. He reads them out loud,comes up with an answer,and looks to me to assure him that the answer is correct,or I help him remember things that he may have forgotten.He then writes down the answer,and I help him with spelling. When he starts getting frustrated, I tell him to put it away and we will come back to it another time.

The questions ranged from Rick's height,the area in which we lived,what size dog he would need,has he had animals,do we have animals,etc.

The big issue was the essay question,"Why do you want a service dog?" It required a maximum of 100 words. I told Rick to sit down with a blank sheet of paper and write down how he felt. I would look it over,and if necessary,add some information and details based on our many conversations. I would type it out,and he would approve or disapprove it.

He has sat down and wrote down quite a bit,when he went into the bedroom,where I was folding clothes. He laid down on the bed,and I could tell he was upset. He started to cry.

"I hate this damn brain injury! I feel like an idiot. I takes me forever to read and I can't spell and I can't understand things,and this essay.... this whole thing makes me feel like I'm begging. I feel like I don't deserve it. I just want to be able to go places without having to bother you guys all the time.It sucks having to rely on other people because I can't do things on my own. I just want my dignity back!!!"

I felt so bad for him. My heart broke to see him so distraught. I assured him that he was just as worthy as any of the other veterans who are suffering from the same issues,and he wasn't begging. How hard it must be for a man to go from being larger than life to having to depend on others all the time! I can only imagine how I would feel. What a very bitter pill to swallow.

I looked over what he had written,and he did a good job. His opening line was " I want a service dog to help me get my dignity and self confidence back." He then explained how he was wounded,and how it affected him and his family.He went on to say that getting a service dog would not only be beneficial for him,but it would give his family a break,even though "they never complain or make me feel like a burden." Overall it was great,but I did add a couple of things that he had said to me in the past about feeling "less than a man" because he couldn't work,or go out in public much without someone with him. ( He went to Walmart once by himself to try it out,and he was a wreak when he got home. He said it was a terrible experience). I really didn't need to add much more than that,and because his thoughts were a bit jumbled I just made it more cohesive.He did a great job. We put it in mailbox,and now we wait to hear from them. Fingers crossed!!

Have a fabulous day on this Fabulous Planet!!

Whole Lot Of Shakin' Goin' on

I thought that the weather was going to be warmer this week,but yesterday it brisk and very windy. I took a walk around the yard and it was fabulous having the leaves shower down around me. I thought you might like a peek at our foliage. It's not as pretty as in the past,and the wind took many of the colorful leaves off the trees,but there is still some pretty colors nonetheless.

               This is a nice chunk of color across King's Highway:

                    There's still some pretty color up Avon Lane:

                   We have many white birches on our property line that glow a brilliant yellow in      the sunlight:

             The photos don't do the lovely yellow justice:

              The maples are pretty in red,yellow,and orange:

You can see in this photo how some of the trees are now bare,but some are still pretty:

The foliage will be gone soon,and all the leaves will turn brown. :(

Last night,we were surprised by an earthquake. Mind you,in NH,we aren't on a major fault line,like the folks out on the West Coast,so when we get tremors,they are very light and very rare. I think in all of my almost 45 years I have only felt three mild tremors here in NH,and they only felt and sounded like a heavy truck going by. When we lived in western MA,Zach and Rick were up in NH and I was home in bed when I was literally bounced up and down. It was an earthquake tremor that was in the fours,so I know what it feels like. Rick,Brother B,and Zach have never felt one. So last night,when I felt and heard the rolling rumble,I thought,"That's an earthquake." Everything started shaking,and it then sounded like an underground explosion. "Earthquake!" I called out ( I was reading in the bedroom). Rick rushed in and asked,"Are you alright?" "Yes, it was just an earthquake tremor." I followed him out of the bedroom and he and Brother B had flashlights ready to go outside. "It's only an earthquake tremor," I assured them. "Is that verified?" Brother B asked me as they went outside. "No,but I know it was an earthquake. I've felt it before." I don't think they believed me at first. Rick and Brother B were outside making sure everything was OK. Apparently they thought that there was some explosion somewhere. Then the NH channel came on and announced that we did indeed have an earthquake registered 4.6 on the Richter Scale. The epicenter was located in Maine,about 30 miles from us,but the whole state felt it.

As soon as the surprise of an earthquake at that strength subsided,I immediately thought of Rick. "I bet he had a flash back," I thought. He came back into the bedroom and started gathering a pillow and blanket. I asked if he was alright,and he said yes,but I could tell by his face that he was shaken up. I hugged him and said,"You know that you are safe,right?" He started to cry. "Yes,but the sound was like bombs exploding,and it also sounded like the Bradley's going by. It also sounded like when they would shoot up buildings and the buildings would collapse." He also refused to take his Valium,which he uses to sleep with the sleep apnea machine. "I have to be alert," he told me. "You know you don't have to protect us,it's OK," I tried to assure him. " I understand that,but I have to do this,I have to be able to wake up quickly, in case," he told me. He went and slept on the kitchen floor in between the table and the wall.He started napping in  this little spot when I wasn't feeling well and was laying down in the bedroom. He didn't want to bother me with the sleep apnea machine noise,and because Brother B was watching TV in the living room,he didn't want to bug him with his loud snoring. I have tried many times to tell him to just lay in the bed,it's no problem,but he still used this little nook. It did surprise me because it was still early ( only 8:00 PM by this time). I asked him if he wouldn't be more comfy in his recliner,and he said when he was in Iraq they didn't have mattresses in the shacks ,and he felt more comfortable laying on the floor. When I woke up this morning,I noticed that the dining room table had been pulled closer to the wall,so he had an even smaller area in which to sleep. "Did you do that to create more of a safety zone,like a barricade?" I asked him. "Yes,"he replied. "I had to do it."

If you live in the NE US or in NE Canada,did you feel the earthquake?

How My Veteran Is Doing And New VA Programs For Family Members

Some of you who have been following this blog since it's inception may be wondering how Rick is doing.

He,as he always will,has good days and bad days. A good day is when he doesn't let his limitations frustrate him too much. A bad is when he lets his speech,reading,or thought patterns get to him and he gets overwhelmed and angry.

For those who are new to this blog,my husband was wounded in  an RPG attack in  Ramadi,Iraq on July 28, 2005. He suffers from chronic PTSD, and moderate TBI which has spawned all kinds of issues with reading comprehension,speech,thought process, writing,math,taste,smell,and memory. It has also caused issues with his pituitary gland,so he has to take testosterone shots,and he has hypothyroidism.The trauma also triggered Celiac's Disease. Our journey with the military and the VA,as well as our daily experiences dealing with all this led me to write this blog. It was a great outlet for me,and I was hopeful that perhaps someone who had been going through our experience could find solace in the fact that they are not the only ones who are dealing with these things.

Rick had begun a 12 week program through the VA called Cognitive Therapy. Unfortunately,as soon as he began remembering things that happened in Iraq ( causing him to have a bad flashback which led him to cry for almost an hour) his counselor wound up having to take a medical leave of absence. We are still waiting to  hear when a new counselor will be assigned. There are so many soldiers coming back with PTSD and TBI that the VA is having a heck of a time keeping up,and I am heartened that the President has called on the VA to hire 800 more new counselors and for more money to be spent for mental issues.While it seems frustrating  (and it can be!) the VA is actually in much better shape than in 2006 when Rick started going. The government was just not ready to deal with all the mental challenges that our service men and women were coming home with,and we actually had no TBI diagnosis until 2007. Now testing is mandatory when soldiers enter the VA system. 

At any rate,we are waiting for a new PTSD counselor,although to be honest,Ken (our old one) felt Rick was about ready to  start coming only every few months once the 12 week program was over,instead of every month like he had been doing before he began the program. He has been seeing PTSD counselors since 2006. 

Rick is on what is called in military speak,TDRL ( Temporary Disabled Retirement Program). He can be kept on this for up to 5 years. He has to submit to testing whenever the military wants. This is a mandatory program for all vets who come back with PTSD. The hope is that with counseling,the vet will get better and be able to function in society,work,etc. That is all well and good for a soldier that gets help once they leave theater,but Rick received very little help once he was sent stateside after he was wounded. (He was sent to Fort Gordon,GA med hold) They basically gave him Valium and maybe once a month therapy for an hour,if it wasn't cancelled. Again, the government was not prepared for the influx of soldiers with mental issues. He dealt with this for 9 months  and didn't start getting real help until the middle of 2006 when he started going to the VA,almost a year after his injury.The PTSD combined with his TBI makes me shake my head that the military is bothering to put him in this program,but I suppose rules are rules (even if they don't make sense-and the military rarely makes sense).

This past Spring,we went to Gilford for a physical and Boston for mental evaluations for the military.This was an update from when he went to the med board at Fort Drum three years ago to see if there was any improvement ,regression,or if things remained the same. We just heard back from them,and they want Rick to go through another physical evaluation-for his back (which has some problems with from back surgery long ago),his knees ( which are now fixed) and for his hearing (which,it was noted,has gotten worse). Why they are concentrating on these three issues is beyond me. The main issues are the mental problems,not the physical ones,at least,now since he has had both his knees replaced.The psychiatric Dr in Boston reaffirmed what others had told us-he can never work in the public realm again. Again, I don't understand the military's reasoning,but considering everything else they put us through (three med boards) we are just dealing with it.

Today he began filling out a form for a service dog so he can be more independent and go to stores,etc.They have great programs for vets that have PTSD/TBI. Right now it's too much for him to go to,say Walmart,by himself. We got as far as the second page and he had to stop. His poor brain was on overload.

I am in two new programs in the VA. The first one is the VA Caregiver Support program for spouses who are caregivers for their veterans. We have a phone group that touches base twice a month,and we have a workbook with a different subject for each phone session. I was asked specifically to join this group from the head of the Poly trauma  (PTSD/TBI)  Unit at the Manchester VA (she used to be Rick's PTSD counselor before Ken).She felt that since I had been going through this for so long,I might be able to offer some insight to newer wives. Though it's a good program,I wish it had been available when I really needed it 6 years ago.Most of it is what I have already dealt with,although there are still ongoing subjects that we continue to  struggle with. This program allows us to  have a counselor come to the house every three months to check in on us to see if there is anything she  can help with,any questions she can answer,etc. Her name is Donna ( easy to remember!) and she is nice. She also brings a PTSD counselor that sits down with Brother B and I to discuss whatever issues may have come up. (Brother B is Rick's secondary caregiver).

The second program is called the SAFE Program-Support and Family Education. This is for members of the Caregiver Support Program. We meet once a month in Manchester,and like the previous program,it has a topic for each meeting.This is a more informative program rather  than a counseling type of meeting. Our first meeting is What Causes Mental Illness. Some other topics include Depression,PTSD and it's impact on the family,Setting Boundaries,Problem solving,Creating a Low Stress Environment,Taking Care of Yourself,Managing Stress,TBI, etc. I can go to whatever topic applies,so I don't have to go every month,though I will probably go to most of them. I am very happy that the VA is now not only looking out for the Vets,but their families as well. PTSD and TBI is not just the soldiers problem,as it affects all members and dynamics of the family.No one should be ashamed to ask for help. Too many veterans are committing suicide. It's so sad and horrible.

If you are a vet,or a family member of vet who needs help,please do not wait !!! Go to your local VA. There is no shame in admitting you need help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!

Have a fabulous day on this Fabulous Planet!

Rick Update-Meds Change Up

Those of you who have been following this blog for a long time know that I started it about Rick and our family's journey with his PTSD and TBI from Iraq,with a bit of other things thrown in.Over time,the main focus of the blog changed,as Rick's issues leveled off.

Today is mostly a Rick update.His knees are doing great.Of course, there are things that he can never do again-jump from a few feet,jog,kneel down without proper knee padding,etc. However, he can walk without pain,and that is the main thing.

One problem that Rick has had is his weight (me too,but that's for different reasons!). He has a few things against him :Celiac's Disease can make your stomach bloat; his pituitary gland was messed up when he received his brain injury,so his thyroid is quite slow(he is on meds) and he body has almost no testosterone anymore,which all help with weight loss (he is now on testosterone shots,which he gives himself every two weeks);and he is on Seroquil (mood inhibitor and antidepressant)which can cause weight gain and possibly diabetes. The second problem is that Rick's blood sugar is high,just below diabetic. Besides the Seroquil being against him in this respect,his mother was also a diabetic. Rick has been on Seroquil now for about four years. It took a while to find the right medication to help,and it was frustrating during the process. However, we understood that the VA was not going to just put him on some heavy duty stuff to start,if something less would work. We didn't want him over medicated,nor did the VA. Finally,the Seroquil was tried,and it seemed to work,so the question then was the dosage per day. He takes 675 mgs a day.

Since his blood sugar is so high,Rick and I began discussing trying another medication.We have batted the idea around in the past,but Rick has always been concerned about trying something else,because the Seroquil works so well,and he was worried about "becoming an asshole again." However,being mindful of his family's history,we figured we would give it try. We made an appt with  Dr Hunt,Rick's meds Dr. She suggested Depakote,which is still a mood inhibitor/anti depressant,but it does not have the same side effects as Seroquil does. The only bad thing is they will have to monitor his liver or his kidneys while he is on it. I guess if it's not one thing,it's another when you are dealing with medications.

Yesterday was his first day on the Depakote. He has to take a certain amount for one week,including his regular Seroquil doses.Next week,he ups his Depakote,keeping his Seroquil doses,then the third week,he again ups the Depakote,but starts reducing the Seroquil,and so it goes until he is off the Seroquil completely. This will be a smoother transition than gradually weaning off the Seroquil,then starting up with the Depakote,which will take at least two weeks to get into his system and work effectively. He felt sick yesterday,we think from the new med,so he was not able to work in the kitchen.He spent a good portion of the day in bed,sleeping. While the medication helps with depression and anger,he still gets nightmares,and can get flashbacks,especially when a helicopter flies overhead.He is also still hyper vigilant,though not as bad as he was before he was on the meds. He will have to deal with these issues indefinitely,but he has learned some tools to help when these issues arise so they aren't quite as bad as they could be. Having a dialogue in his head is one,recognizing what he is feeling and why,and how he is not in danger like he was in Iraq.

It was such a lovely day I went to the end of the road and gathered my greens for the window boxes and the wagon out front. I am so very far behind this year,normally everything would be done by now. Since the kitchen was free,I was able to make my orange slice ornaments for the tree. It takes a while,since the oven has to be at low temp. Brother B brought our tree in,so today it will be decorated. Apparently my wreaths,which were in a garbage bag to protect them from dust in the garage,got accidentally thrown out,so I need to buy three  wreaths today.I also need to pick up some money cards.I need to do my Christmas cards as well.

Have a fabulous day on this fabulous Planet,where ever you might be!!!!

Changes

Those of you who have been following me for a long time know that the main reason I started this blog was to have an outlet for our journey with Rick's PTSD and TBI.I wanted to have a place to not only vent but also to let other folks in our position know that they are not alone. It has been a long process,from when he came home in April in 2006 to now. When he came home,he was the opposite of the man I married. He was no longer outgoing,filled with humor,affectionate,and easy going. He was quick to anger, quiet,kept to himself,and had emotional walls built up. I knew it wasn't going to get better if he didn't get help,so I gave him a "choice"-either get help,or live alone. I was not going to have my son brought in up walking on eggshells,nor did I want to live like that,no matter how much I loved my husband. Or should I say,I loved the man I married,which I knew still existed inside of him somewhere.

Rick has not told me everything that he experienced in Ramadi,but I do know that he was under attack everyday,was in many firefights,,did have to take lives,saw friends die,kicked down doors and took prisoners,gathered intelligence,and had some situations where he was involved in hand to hand combat.Some things he cannot remember,and whether that is due to his brain injury or just blocking it out we don't know.

What I do know is he has come a very long way. He has his sense of humor back,he is more outgoing,and is more comfortable in public.He is affectionate again. That is not to say he still doesn't have flashbacks,or doesn't get  anxious in public or unfamiliar surroundings or situations. He will always suffer from PTSD and will always need meds to help him out. He will always have effects from the brain injury-he gets confused when he reads,and filling out forms is alot for him. He still spells as words sound,not as they suppose to be written. He forgets things. He has to have sound on even numbers on the TV.He is on Ritalin,and that has been a big help in making him focus on tasks. He will never work again,and that bothered him greatly for a long time. He says he is now coming to grips with it. Now that his knees have been fixed that has helped as well.He is no longer in agonizing pain,and is no longer on morphine. Physically,he can now do many more things,even if it can still be overwhelming for him mentally.

Our marriage took a hit for quite a while. I won't lie and say it wasn't difficult. There were many times I would look at our marriage photo and cry because I wanted that man back. It was hard being shut out and being kept at arms length,when I had always been happily wrapped in his arms! Those who have been through it know what I mean. It made me sad,depressed,and angry.  The wall was between us for a few years. However,we worked through it together,and we have our old relationship back. It took 5 years,but we are now in a good place. Rick is in a good place. Which is why I changed the theme of this blog. It's now more about our daily journey here,less about Rick. Things are on a much more even plane now.

Each day we get up and are happy with our lives. We love each other,our son,our home,and plodding along on our little piece of heaven.It's wonderful to see Rick be able to work his own property,at his own pace,and get such a sense of accomplishment.Right now he and Brother B are outside with the tractor,in the drizzle,putting fill in the backyard. He loves it! I am so proud of how far he has come,and am grateful that he can work as hard as he can and have purpose. We are finally back to where we were. I hope that other families who are dealing with PTSD and TBI and survive and come out on the other side as we have.

Being Mindful

One of the many common themes that I have read about in the some of the blogs I follow is mindfulness. Webster's Dictionary has the definition of mindful as "aware." I am so used to associating being mindful with simple living,etc.,that I was a bit taken aback when Ken,Rick's PTSD counselor,told Rick that he should try to be more mindful.

We were discussing Rick's hypervigilence,especially in stores. We came upon this subject because after our meeting,Rick was going with me to the grocery store. This is something he does not normally do anymore.He goes to Walmart,etc.,but rarely where I buy our food. The store I go to is a family owned business,and they have many stores throughout northern New England.However,it is not on the size of,say,Walmart. The store is about half the size and the aisles are closer together. Rick's hypervigilence spikes in stores,but it is worse in close space areas. He will leave his sunglasses on, which he says helps him observe people without them seeing him do so,and,because he is not a small man tends to look rather intimidating .Especially when he appears to be looking straight ahead and standing up straight with the cart in front of him. I hate grocery shopping,so when I go by myself I am in and out as quickly as possible. When Rick is with me,it increases my own anxiety because I know he's uncomfortable,therefore I want to get the groceries done even faster. Ken said that Rick needed to be more mindful,aka more in the moment. Instead of letting his emotions take him back to the market place in Ramadi,or thinking about what he could do if the guy behind us decides to do something rude or threatening,he should stay in the NOW. Ken told him to notice how the cart handle felt in his hands,how cold the dairy aisle is,how fresh the veggies look,etc. Don't let your mind go to the past,or to the future while you are doing something-keep your mind on the present.

This struck a chord with me as well. I am the type of person who always has something swimming around in her brain. I am always thinking of something that has happened,or worrying about something in future. I have been like that my whole life. Even when I am chatting with someone,they could be talking and I am thinking about what I am going to say next.It's a very bad habit,and a rude one  (I apologize to all my friends!!!).  I could be doing something fun,and thinking,"I really need to finish this," or "I should have done it this way,"etc. You get the picture. So I applied what Ken said to our store experience. I didn't keep thinking about the rest of day,or how quick I wanted to get out of there,I was in the moment,at the store, looking for Kefir drinkable yogurt.(It makes kick ass smoothies with frozen mixed berries and a bit of Truvia,by the way).

While Rick still had some hypervigilence,our time at the store was much more relaxed,and actually fun. We discussed our accomplishment,and vowed to work on being more mindful in all aspects of our lives.It does make a big difference.Paying attention to the details,feeling what your hands touch,noticing the sounds,smells,and all that is with you in that moment seems to help center ones spirit.It's a great tool for living.

Rainy and Raw

That describes our weather right now. Rainy and raw. Not to mention foggy as well. The front moved in yesterday,and it seems we will have this weather up until Thursday or Friday. Yep,Fall is here!

Saturday Rick and I went out for our 13th anniversary,which was yesterday( We had Zach's Boy Scout Court of Honor last night,so we celebrated over the weekend).We went out for dinner in Portsmouth.Our first stop was the Dolphin Striker,as Rick wanted some oysters from the raw bar. I tried one with cocktail sauce,and it wasn't bad,but still not something I could order. We then went to the River House just up the street for dinner. They have gluten free options,which is not easy to find in a restaurant. Rick and I have not been in Portsmouth on a Saturday night since before he left for Iraq.We used to go out somewhat often,whether for drinks,dinner,or just walking around.We wanted to sit on the deck,overlooking the Piscataqua River ( which feeds into the Atlantic ocean,there are tugboats,fishing boats,etc docked out there).There was a 30 minute wait,so we left our name and went and sat on a bench and watched people. I asked Rick a couple of times if he was OK,because there was soooo many people,either milling around or sitting outside at the various restaurants.He said he was fine. People had money to spend,that is for sure. We had a lovely dinner and enjoyed being out on a nice romantic evening.

Sunday we split and stacked wood from our log pile. I thought I would be more sore that night and into Monday,but I wasn't. We were going to continue with the wood yesterday,but it was drizzling starting in the morning,and continued to do so off and on all day.I washed floors,made crock pot beef stew,and made a batch of hand soap.It was a good day for beef stew. We wound up waiting an extra 20 minutes for Zach's bus. It wound up smoking from the back,and our bus driver Audrey called in another bus to bring the kids the rest of the way home. She said that all her gauges were fine,so she had no idea what was wrong,but didn't want to take any chances. He didn't get home until almost 3:30. I felt chilled,so I made myself a nice cup of Apple Cider Tea ( from Bigelow).

Rick did not have good day yesterday.He is down to 1 morphine pill now,and is feeling the effects of having last week's dose cut in half. To make things worse,an elderly gentleman pulled out of a side street without looking and almost hit our truck.Rick and Brother B were running errands. They slammed on the brakes and narrowly missed hitting this man's car. I can only imagine how that sent Rick's hypervigilence up. When he got home,he was not feeling well,and when he handed me the ATM card,his hand was shaking badly. He went to bed around 12:30 and slept until 5:00. He went with us to the Court of Honor,and sat in back,but he chatted with the other adults. He still was not feeling well last night,and had a hard time falling asleep. In fact, he is asleep in his recliner now,so I know he didn't sleep well last night.

Zach did well at Court of Honor. He earned four merit badges at summer camp-First Aid,Wilderness Survival,Carpentry,and Pathfinding.All the boys did well,and many merit badges were given out. Zach only has a couple requirements left before he can earn his First Class Rank. He loves scouts!

Today I am off to grocery shop and I am going to make some homemade pumpkin puree,maybe even an apple pie.

Enjoy your day,where ever you might be!

The Man of the Place

Sue,from Living The Good Life,had inquired how Rick is doing,and I realized that I haven't given any updates for a while. So,for those of you who are wondering how The Man of the Place is doing,here is the scoop.

Rick's knees are doing great. His muscles still get stiff,so sometimes he has to stretch two or three times a day.He does his stretching,exercises,and elliptical bike each day,and he feels great after.Some days his muscles are sore,and other days he feels nothing at all.This is nothing compared to the pain he was in before. He does have days where he feels more comfortable with a cane,but for the most part,he doesn't use it.He does have to pay attention to his walk,though,because he is used to limping when he walked,so he has to get out of that habit.

He is now down to 30 mg of morphine a day,which,considering he was taking 120 mg per day,is wonderful. Next week he will be only taking 15 mg,then the following week,he will be off it completely. While this is good news,it's also bringing his PTSD issues to the forefront again.(We were aware that this would happen) The morphine helped deaden it. Now he is more hyper vigilant,and yesterday was a bad day. We went to his TBI Dr,Dr Whitlock at the Manchester VA. Rick told him he still has long term and short term memory issues,he forgets who people are if he hasn't seen them for a while,his speech still drags sometimes,etc.He also mentioned his PTSD is more pronounced. We decided to stop for breakfast on the way home,and when we were in the restaurant,Rick told me he felt shaky and real anxious,and he didn't know why,but he would be OK. When we got in the truck,it was too much for him and he broke down. "I thought I was past all this,"he said. " It's like it was when I first got back. There's too much coming at me and I can't handle it.I'm on sensory overload." I felt terrible. There was nothing I could do to help him.He sat there crying and all I could say was,"It's OK...it will get better...you are going to start a new PTSD program next week,so that will help....it will be OK..." Rick has a real problem with hyper vigilance-he is on guard all the time,and has to observe everything and everyone.Now that he is more clearheaded without the morphine,the hyper vigilance is more pronounced. He was wiped out by time we got back and took a nap. Today,though,he is in much better spirits,and he and Brother B are off running some errands before they begin splitting wood. PTSD is a roller coaster.Some days, he gives no indication that he has any issues. There are days,though they rarely happen,where everything builds up and he breaks down. It's like any of us-sometimes you just have to vent and get it out of your system...even The Man of the Place.

Misc Catch Up and the Death of My Soap

I have been fighting headaches and allergies since the weekend,so my motivation has not been at an all time high. One Benedryl and I am ready for a nap. If anyone out there has taken Benedryl,they know what I mean. It wipes you out.

I have two cabinets left-my pots and pans ( which is more or less just straightening and wiping down the inside of the cabinet) and the dreaded under the sink area. Yuck. Today will not be the day,however. Zach and I are meeting My Dear Friend Michelle and her boys at the lake,then later this PM Rick has an appt with his PTSD counselor,Ken down at the VA Outpatient Center in Somersworth. He hasn't seen Ken in a while,not since before he had his knees done,so it should be a good visit. I think Ken will be pleased to see Rick doing so well physically,which also helps him mentally.

Rick is now in the midst of stopping his morphine. He is lowering his dose by 15 mg each week. He was at 120 mg a day. Last week he started at 60 mg in the AM,then 45 mg at night.This week it is 4 5mg and 45 mg,next week it will be 45 mg and 30 mg,etc., down to nothing. It is not easy. He has been on it for two years,and as most people know,morphine is physically addictive.Each time the dose is lessened he has some minor withdrawal symptoms,but it only lasts for a couple of days until his body adjusts. At least we know it is temporary each week.He is happy to finally not have to take it anymore and is anxious to stop altogether.

Yesterday Brother B canned 9 pints of blackberry jam. He had gone down to North Hampton to help out his Dad and there is an area loaded with blackberry bushes. He picked 9 lbs,so needless to say we still have quite a bit of berries left! He hadn't canned in years,so I just helped him out a bit on the first batch.

I am not loving my homemade dish soap at all.We had a nice ham dinner on Saturday,and when Rick washed the dishes there was about an inch of grease on the dishes.He went up to the neighbors and borrowed some detergent. I am glad it worked out for some people,and hope it worked out for you. Not here,I am sad to say. I will stick to my laundry and hand soap. Tomorrow I will return to the land of Grapefruit Ajax. At least I gave it a shot.

First Veggies!

Here are the first veggies from the garden. Sugar Peas and a Walla Walla Onion. The onion I probably should've let go longer,but I saw it halfway out of the dirt...and well....I got excited.What can I say?

Though there weren't enough peas to cook up,I have put them in fridge,and will pick more today. Since I have never grown peas before,I wasn't sure what length of time I should leave them on the vine once they plump up. Rick ( who is very thankful to be home) had the onion chopped up on a few gluten free hot dogs the day I picked it (Weds) and he pronounced it delicious. So that is encouraging.

I moved the dirt from around the onion bulbs so they can grow larger. My neighbors,Kelly and Darlene,came down to see Rick and Kelly asked me what had happened to my onions,because the green tops were now all down and brown. I told him that was normal. He thought an animal had gotten into them and bedded down!! It is not a pretty site,that's for sure.

Tomorrow Zach and I are going to the Lessard family reunion. That is my Dad's side of the family. There aren't many of my father's siblings left. His youngest sister,my Aunt Rachel, is living with her daughter Sue in WA. She has Alzheimer's ( that makes four siblings-my uncle Richard,my Dad,and my Aunt Marcy all passed away from complications). I believe my Dad has two or three half brothers and sisters left who are younger than my Aunt Rachel. I know my Uncle Phil is still alive. Most of the people at the reunion will be cousins. Rick will not be going,he is not up to going anywhere and visiting yet. Zach and I will go for a couple of hours with my Mom,my sister Linda,and her husband,Tom. My brothers live out in WI,so they will not be going.

Tomorrow night we have our Fourth of July celebration. We will have a BBQ with hot dogs,cheeseburgers,homemade crock pot beans,homemade potato salad,and I am going to make cake. I have frozen blueberries and strawberries that I am going to defrost,and add a bit sugar to. They will be the topping for the cake,and we will put Cool whip on top of that. When it gets dark,we will set off fireworks. The last time we went to a town sponsored fireworks display is when Zach was little. After Rick got back from Iraq,he didn't want to go because of the crowds,so we started doing things at home. It has evolved through the years,first with sparklers and firecrackers (which they don't sell anymore);now we have several roman candles,exploding Bin Laden heads,fountains,Morning Glories,and other assorted goodies. We have invited our neighbors to come down and see them. We have a fire in the fire circle,sit around,chat,and set off the fireworks. We relax on the Fourth.

I am off to bake the cake and make the potato salad!

Ahhhh......Nice!

Today is chilly and rainy here in the Granite State. Last night when I shut off my TV,I could hear the rain hitting the roof,which I love. There is something very relaxing about it. I fell asleep pretty fast.

It is now 12:22 PM,and it's still raining,the wind is blowing,and there is a rawness to the air. I went grocery shopping with my fleece over- shirt on,then went to fill the car up for our trip to Dartmouth Hitchcock tomorrow,so we wouldn't have to stop on the way. When I went in to pay,there was an older gentleman leaning against the counter,drinking a coffee. As I walked in, I shook a bit and said," Brr!" The gentleman said to me,"Chilly out there, huh?" " Yes, it's quite raw out there today," I replied. "Raw..that's the word for it. We ain't into summer yet!" he agreed,nodding.

After I got home, I grabbed a couple of bags from the trunk,and, as I was walking up the walkway (that is lined with wood chips now!) I glanced up at the roof,and noticed that our woodstove chimney was smoking. Rick had started a fire in the wood stove. Yes!

As soon as I walked into the house,the warmth from the fire hugged me like an old friend. Ahhhh....nice! It felt great! Rick helped me bring in the rest of the groceries,then I went over to the stove and spread my hands out over it,warming them up. Lovely,lovely warmth.

There is something comforting about wood heat. It feels and smells wonderful. There is nothing like it. Those of you who have woodstoves know what I mean. Yes, it can get messy bring wood to and fro,and you have to cut it to size and make sure you have kindling. However,if the power goes out,we have a warm house. We can use the generator for other things,such as our toliet,fridge,stove,or TV. We do have a furnace, but because our tank is outside,we have to use the K-1 mix,which tends to cost more than straight oil. So we use the woodstove for the most part,except in the winter when the nights are really cold, or if there is just a wee bit of chill in the house early in the morning,when a quick turn of the thermostat will take care of it fast. Days like this,however, the nice even heat of the stove is great.

I did make a boo boo today. At least, I feel I made a boo boo. Rick says otherwise. I put the laundry in the washing machine,and turned on the ceiling fan in the living room to make the heat circulate a bit. Well, apparently the washing machine was off balance a bit,and it started making a thumping noise. When I went back into the living room,Rick was on the computer,but he had a funny look on his face. Uh oh. I know the look. I saw him listening hard,and I said," It's the washing machine." Then I saw him look at the ceiling fan. " I put the fan on to circulate the heat. I should've told you,I'm sorry." Rick had experienced a flashback. He has strong ones if he hears helicopters,or anything resembling a helicopter. The combination of the thump of the dryer,and the shadow of the blades on the wall to the right of him triggered it. He shook his head a bit,then said, "I hate when this happens,"then he wiped tears from his eyes. I gave him a big hug,and said," I'm sorry,it' s my fault. I should've told you. I didn't realize the washer would be off balance." "It's not your fault," he replied." It just happens." I have asked him what he thinks about when this happens, and he just says it's the helicopters coming in to take care of the wounded.Whether it triggers fire fights,seeing friends get flown out to Balaad,his own wounded flight to Balaad,or something else is unclear. I don't press him about it.

On a lighter note,since it's raining today,that means no work outside,so I tidied up our bedroom,dusting and sweeping. I also dusted and swept the hallway,bathroom,and living room. It's low key kind of day. I may very well go and continue my re-read of "Outlander",by Diana Gabaldon,after I take care of the laundry. I think the weather will tie in nicely with the Scottish Highland backdrop of the book! Then again,I was planning on baking some cookies,so I should get that done first!

Rick has just presented me with lunch- a ham,cheese,broccoli,onion,mushroom and tomato omelet with toast. It's delicious! Nice, hearty pieces in it,not tiny little chopped up ones. He is a great cook. What a lucky woman I am!!!!!

Before and After

This is what our garden area looked like up until yesterday....mostly. I posted this photo after we built our boxes,before we put the soil in them and planted onions. You get the jist! All dirt,not very pretty. And not a pleasing area to work,at least for me.

Then.....this is what it looks like as of yesterday afternoon, after approx. 20 wheelbarrows full of shavings....

Ah. Much better. A much more pleasing sight for the eye,and nicer to work in. Smells great too! You can see my onion box on the left,with the grid. I am going to put tomatoes in that one,too. All the way down on the right is where I am planting my lettuce,peas,and cantaloupe. I did not pre start my lettuce seeds this year.

We are going to do our walkway and around the strawberry bed and kitchen garden bed. We were going to start that yesterday as well,but Rick had had it after doing the above.I had offered to shovel the shavings into the wheelbarrow,dump it and let him spread them out,but he said no. So he had to walk back and forth from Walter's house. Fortunately, Walter is right across the dirt road along the side of our house,so it wasn't far. But it wreaked havoc on Rick's knees. I love my hubby,but he can be very stubborn. He would rather be in more pain than have me do some of the work around the house.

Today he is down for the count. He had chills and sweated all night. This morning I awoke to find him wrapped in his quilt in the recliner. Did he take his meds? Yes. So it wasn't the reaction to a missed dose. Did he eat anything with gluten yesterday? No. So it wasn't an allergic reaction. I think it's his body telling him to take a break. He doesn't sleep well because of the knee pain and the nightmares,and he has been working harder than he has in months,trying to get everything complete before his surgery. Once the surgery happens,he won't be able to anything for a couple of months. Bless his heart! As I type this,he is sound asleep. I will let him sleep until it's time for his noon meds. I fed and watered the chicks,the cats,and the dogs. I washed the dishes,scrubbed the stove top,burners and burner pans. Once I finish this post I will wipe down the butcher block,sweep,and wash the kitchen and bathroom floors. I must also make laundry soap today,no ifs ands or buts. We are all out now.

I am off to continue playing catch up with the house.....have a lovely day!

A Step Forward

So far I have been doing pretty well on my weight. I have not missed one work out session,and have cut WAY back on my bread intake. So far I have lost 7 lbs. My motivation has been never been stronger. This time I am going to see it through! I do have my moments when bad things call to me,and I literally have to talk myself out of eating something. Like anything else,it's one day at a time.

We continue to plan for the spring,and Rick's enthusiasm is still very strong.He is talking about building a small smokehouse.The other day we priced lighting for seed starting.We do still have to figure out how much to plant. I have had a bit of a procrasination issue going on which I need to snap out of.

Last night we watched "The Hurt Locker,"about a detonation team in Iraq. Rick wanted to watch it. I wasn't sure he was going to. I have rented Iraq war movies before,and he has never been able to watch. Usually he will either ask me to shut it off or he will leave the room. However,he watched the whole thing,and even said it was a good movie. If there was something going on that he had went through,he would discuss it ia bit.I kept asking throughout the movie if he was OK,and he kept saying he was. He said that movie wasn't bad. I am sure there are others that he probably could not watch still,such as ones with more combat. However,one movie is a step foward.

Rick's Narrative Summary from Walter Reed got sent back to Fort Drum,but they wanted more info,so in a couple of weeks,we should have their final assessment. We are keeping our fingers crossed that they give him a fair percentage.

Two more months until Spring!!!!!

A Big Frost

This morning when we went outside to walk with Zach to the bus stop,the world looked furry and white. We had our first big frost last night. Everything was glittering, ,and it reminded me even more that winter is not too far away. In fact, the Farmer's Almanac is predicting a snowstorm next week. I am hoping that is not the case. It's still a bit early for my taste for snow that stays. I don't mind when it spits snow ( does anybody else out there use that term?)but anything that remains on the ground is not welcome in my yard!
Things have been a bit busy. Sunday I woke up with a migraine that kept me in bed all day. Monday Rick had an appt with his PTSD social worker. Right now Rick is to keep track of what makes him angry,and the steps he took not let it get the better of him. Monday night was our Boy Scout meeting,and this week was also Troop Committee.Rick and I are both on the Committee ( I am Secretary and in charge of the troop website) so we had our meeting while the boys has theirs.Yesterday Rick had an appt with the rhuematologist. We now know that Rick does not have rheumatoid arthritis. That is a good thing. His take on Rick's knees was that the swelling and pain are stemming from the the dead bone areas in his knees. So he emailed Rick's orthopedist (the one who referred Rick to the surgeon in Boston) to see what he wants to do. The rheumatologist says that Rick's knees are not going to get better,and that they will get worse. That was not good news. He did tell us he would call and let us know what Rick's orthopedist says. The second appt was with VerJean,Rick's speecht therapist. The session went well,Rick answered the questions quickly this week.VerJean was happy with how it went. Rick is still dragging out some words when he speaks,though. We are keeping an eye on it to see if any other symptoms come up.
We just got back from having lunch with Zach at school. The school lets parents come in once a year and they have lunch in the cafeteria with their child. It's nice, except this year Zach was too busy chatting with his friend Dale to really talk with us. I suppose he can talk to us anytime! Rick is priming our hallway right now. All the drywall,door frames,mopboards,and flooring are done.
My thoughts are starting to focus on my Thanksgiving menu. Zach picks which one of our turkeys will grace our table,and he is in charge of doing the "deed".
I made some more Christmas Forest soap the other day,and was going to make candles. When I checked my stock I realized that I didn't have enough wicks! BUMMER. While we were out and about on Monday we bought more wicks and four more pounds of wax.The soaps and candles will be my Christmas presents,and I might throw in a mason jar of homemade laundry soap to boot.

Changes In Nature and In the House

Today was a beautiful but chilly day here in NH.Our foliage is now past peak,so there are more brown leaves than brightly colored,and many trees are now bare. However,we had a beautiful foliage season.Rick and I always comment at how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful state. 'Imagine,"he said to me,"People come from all over the world to NH see the Fall foliage,and we can just look out of our window and see it everyday." Very lucky indeed. We always impress upon Zachary that he is a very lucky little boy to have such beauty around him all time. He seems to be appreciative of that,which is surprising for a boy of 11.
So now the trees are gearing up for winter,and looking spooky for Halloween. We did have some snow showers last week,and though I always like to see the first flakes of the season,October is a wee bit too early for me.
While there are changes going on outside,there are changes going on inside. We are going forward with our living room/hallway remodeling. Today we bought crown molding,fluted doorframes,door casings,paint,and drywall plaster.We are going to put down lamniate flooring in the hallway,which we put in Zach's room in the Spring,tear down the white paneling (yuck) and old drywall and replace it with new drywall. We are also replacing the doorframes and mopboards. The walls will be pained "Raffia Cream",a fancy name for beige,our molding,doors and ceiling white. Our living room had been started a few years ago( but put on hold due to money issues).New drywall was put up on the walls and ceilingand we painted the room sage. We need to skim some areas on the walls that have dings,and need to put up a new section of drywall on the ceiling. We had an ice dam last year that made water back up,and we had to poke holes in the ceiling to release the water.The crown molding is also going up,and the fluted doorframes,new door casings,mopboards,window frames,window casings,and windowsill. The walls will be the "Raffia Cream",and all the trim,crown moldings and ceiling will be white.
Rick is very motivated to get this done,excited in fact. I like seeing him like this,because he has a hard time getting motivated now sometimes. He took all the measurements today,and we went to both Home Depot and Lowe's. Rick now has a certain thought process since his brain injury,so one has to be patient.Things go slower. The impulse is to give him the answer to help speed things along,but that is not helping him. He needs to do it himself,even if it takes a while. If he is figuring out something,he will go over it a few times before he feels comfortable that he is correct. ( This is part of his Obsessive Compulsiveness that is due to the PTSD and brain injury. He will do something a few times because he is unsure of himself,and it will cause him stress,which he will alleviate by doing it over).You cannot be in a rush.I admit that today I found myself tapping my foot a couple of times,and by the time we were done, I was tired.
Today I did get my bedding washed and the house tided up after we got home. Now I must go make the bed. There is something about settling into a bed with crisp,clean sheets and blankets. It just makes a great ending to the day.

Med Board Findings

We got back from Fort Drum last Friday night,and the week went well. On Tues Rick had Behavioral Health,and Part 1 and Part 2 of his physical. Behavioral Health is a fancy term for "we are going check to see if you really have PTSD." When we went to check in,we were told that the Dr was not in that week,but they would see when they could schedule us,and would we please have a seat? I was sputtering," If they can't do this appointment this week,I am going to be very very angry," among a few other choice phrases. Rick kept telling me to keep my voice down." Let's not get upset yet," he told me."They wouldn't have had us come here if someone wasn't going to see us." I was amazed that he could seem so calm. "Oh,I'm not, "he told me,"but I am trying very hard to hold it together."
About 20 minutes later, a soft spoken woman came over to us. "Specialist Shaw,the Dr you were suppose to see is not here this week,but we have arranged for you to see another Dr via teleconference from Walter Reed Hospital.Please follow me." We both breathed a collective sigh of relief and followed her to another part of the building.They brought us into the teleconference room,and I must admit it was pretty neat.The Dr was there on a big flat screen TV. He went over the report that the Dr had made in March,and asked us questions. I told him that Rick had a NeuroPsych evaluation in May,and did he have access to that report? He said that while he could pull up a few VA reports,he was not able to pull up that one. I told him I had it,and could we fax it to him. He said that would be great,so I went out to the reception area and gave the soft spoken lady the report for her to fax.
He read the report,then asked,"How old is the Dr that administered this test?" Right away our warning flags went up. " He is older, maybe late 60's or early 70's," I told him."That would explain it," he said. "This test is an old testing method. It really doesn't tell me much. Testing for TBI has changed two or three times." Rick and I groaned. Great. However...." Rick is scheduled for another Neuro Psych eval this week," I told him. " Well,it couldn't hurt,"he said. His initial diagnosis was Cognitive Disorder NOS.Because some of the symptoms of PTSD and TBI are the same,there is no way of telling what is what. Apparently this is a new term they use for patients with PTSD and TBI.
Next was Rick's Part 1 Physical,which consisted of blood work,a hearing test,an eye test,a chest xray,and and EKG. Then we went to Part 2,where his medical history is gone over. When we went in March, Part 2 took over 3 hours. We had to fill out all of Rick's medical history. They then go over everything with him and type up their comments. Since most of the work was done,this time they just went over what was written up in the report before,and added any changes.They want Rick to have an EMG done on his right foot-electronic impulse testing-to see if he has any nerve damage,which we are doing through the VA. Rick now walks on the outside of his right foot because of his knee pain,and it is causing blisters and calluses.He also now sort of swings his right foot out to the side in a sort of semi circle when he walks. They also made note of his knees,his sleep apnea,hypopituitaryism,and his hypothyroidism.
Wednesday was Range of Motion,which was for his knees. I hate when they test his knees, because I know how much pain he is in,and I always get tears in my eyes. I can't help it.He told Rick that each knee should bend to 140 degrees,and his only bend to 90 on one and 85 on the other. He said to Rick," Your knees are messed up." They are waiting for a report from the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Boston VA,whom we saw today to see if Rick will have surgery. I will have to post about that appointment separately.
Thursday was a really big test: the NeuroPsych evaluation. This test determines if Rick has TBI,and at what level. The test he had in May said he had TBI,but it was not a very thou rough report. It didn't say at what level it was,and it was a page and a half. The military wanted something more specific,with a longer report. We went to another town to see a civilian PhD,who the military uses. He was very nice,and conducted a medical and mental health record review,clinical interview,and NAB ( Neuropsychological Assessment Battery).He asked about several symptoms,and out of the 30,Rick had 27. He then gave him testing in the following areas:Attention,Language,Memory,Spatial,and Executive Functioning. The tests took 5 hours. Rick thought it had only been 30-60 minutes. He also thought that he was going quickly on the tests,when in actuality he was going rather slowly.
When Rick was done, the Dr said he could give us a preliminary diagnosis based on the test scoring and his impressions. Here is what the test results showed. 100 is considered average.
Attention: 49 Severely impaired
Language:73 Mildly to moderately impaired
Memory:68 Moderately impaired
Spatial:75 Mildly to moderately impaired
Executive Functions: 83 Mildly impaired
Total:64
The bottom line is his brain injury is considered moderate.
We were surprised. Moderate? Not mild? We had been told he had a mild injury because he didn't lose consciousness when the explosion happened. We told the Dr this,and he said, "Who told you that? Excuse my language,but that is bullshit." The blast affected his brain globally.Rick was depressed after this appointment,but we were glad that finally,we have a proper diagnosis.
Once the military has all the information,they will finalize the NARSUM ( Narrative Summary),send it to us,then send it to Walter Reed Hospital,where it will be reviewed by doctors who will determine if Rick can be retired,or temporarily retired ( if they think some of his problems might be able to get better). We should know after the holidays.

Hi Ho,Hi Ho,Back to Fort Drum We Go

Well,Rick and I leave tomorrow for our last (hopefully)trip to Fort Drum,NY. We have our itinerary,and Rick begins his doctor appointments on Tuesday.It will be a long week,as he basically has only one appointment a day. It would be great if they could do more than one,and get everything done in just two or three days instead of four,but,as with everything in the military,it's "hurry up and wait."
Rick is very nervous,because he doesn't want to have to go through all this another time. I think he is more afraid of his reaction if this is not the last time we have to do this. Rick is great about holding back his anger (and that is due in part to his medication),but if he lets it go,it will not be pretty.People have told us,"What are you having a problem with? You get paid every month by the National Guard,and you will wind up making less than you do now." That is true,however,that is not the point. No one who has been wounded while serving his country should have to wait four years to complete a medical board review. No one. You never know when they will call and say,"By the way,you are going to Fort Drum next week." Usually you do not get much advance notice. What if you have planned to go somewhere? Fly across the country? Do something special with your family? You are at the mercy of the board,and it's when they have a slot to put you in. Whatever is going on in your life is not their problem. Take for instance Rick's knee appointment. This is the appt we have been waiting for for a year. First we had to reschedule because the doctor was going to be on vacation,then we had to reschedule because the med board was going to be the week of our rescheduled appt. As much as we want the med board completed,if they could have waited another week so we could at least find out what they are going to do with Rick's knees,it wouldn't have hurt our feelings any. We are also a bit confused regarding the med board and his knees. First we were told that they wouldn't do the board until Rick knew what was going on with his knees,and if it was surgery,he would have to be fully healed to his ability before they would send him to Fort Drum. Then,two weeks later,we were told that they wanted him at the med board in October-regardless of what was going on with his knees.
It has been an ongoing source of frustration for four years now,and it does not help someone with PTSD. Everytime there is a glitch,it compounds the symptoms.When Fort Drum calls the day after Rick has an appt,and they inquire if he went because the dr's notes aren't up yet,it makes him very angry. He keeps telling them,"I do everything I need to do on my end. My appt was just yesterday,if the notes aren't up,then they haven't been written yet." Or when they tell him to tell his doctors that they need to write more in their notes,that also ticks him off. "I am not going to tell my doctors how to do their job. You want more info,then please feel free to ask them."
One thing we are very happy about is now the military can access VA records electronically. When we went in March, we had to bring copies of all his records. I had to carry them around,and they weighed around 8-10 lbs and were many inches thick.Now we don't have to worry about that. My back and shoulders are very grateful!

An End in Sight?

In my last post,I talked about Rick's knee appt being changed and our disappointment. Well, guess what?
It's been changed again!!!
Rick called Fort Drum,NY (where the med board is) to let them know that the appointment for his knees had been changed. When he told them what date it was,they informed him that he would have to reschedule it. He has to go to back Fort Drum that week.
Let me give a bit of history here. Rick has been to the med board three times. For those who are not aware of what the med board is,the med board is a process that those in the military go through when there is question regarding their fitness for duty. It can be a physical or mental problem. Because we live in NH,we go to Fort Drum,NY. Whatever is in question ( sight,mental problems,range of motion,etc) is examined by doctors. They then make their assessment, and write up what is called a NARSUM ( Narrative Summary),which the solider reads,and if they agree with the diagnosis,the NARSUM is sent to Walter Reed Hospital to go before the rating board. Doctors there read the NARSUM,and decide what percentage of disability to give to the solider. The rating is based on how the injury affects how well they can do their job in the military.
When Rick first got back in 2005,he was sent to the med board while he was in Fort Gordon. At that point, he had not been diagnosed with TBI,but chronic PTSD. While his paperwork was in the process of being sent,he received orders cutting him from active duty and sending him back home. The process stopped.
Then, in 2007,he went to the med board again,this time to Fort Drum. It was there that he was told he was testing positive for TBI. On the last day of his appts,he was told that his paperwork was not in order,so they said he would have to come back.
I am Rick's advocate,because of his memory problems,so when we got the word that he was going back to the med board in March of this year,I went with him. We were assured that this would be his last med board,and that what had happened to him in the past was not acceptable.
We went through all the tests that was required-psych,range of motion ( for his back and legs),optometry and hearing. When we went for the TBI testing,the Dr (who was not military) told us that since in his VA records he had tested positive for TBI,there really wasn't any need to have the testing again. That sounded fine to us. We went home and waited.
Then Fort Drum notified us that they wanted more details regarding the TBI,and we needed to schedule a Neuro Psych eval through the VA. Now,in 2007,Rick had attempted to have this test done,but because his PTSD was not under control ( the proper medication and dose were not discovered yet) he could not complete the test. His attention span was too poor. However, on the basic test,he did screen positive for TBI. Well, alrighty then. I scheduled the test. He completed the three hour test in May. We then waited for the Drs notes and diagnosis to be sent to Fort Drum.
In the meantime,the Dr that examined him for Behavioral Health (Ie-psych) at Fort Drum was being rotated ( shipped) out to another unit. By the time the paperwork reached Fort Drum,he was gone,so this part of the NARSUM was left incomplete.That meant we would have to go back to Fort Drum.
Now, since March, there has been more problems with Rick's health. Not only has the TBI affected his memory,but it has affected him physically. After the Neuro Psych eval,Rick had an appt with a Neuro TBI Dr,who checks for any physical problems related to the TBI. He sent Rick for Sleep Apnea testing,since Rick now snores loud enough to rattle the windows (which he never did before he went to Iraq)and for an appointment with the endocrinologist to check his pituitary gland function. A red flag went up because Rick's thyroid barely works,and his primary Dr put him on meds for it ( again, no issues before Iraq). Rick's strength level is also low,as well as his stamina. ( another red flag,no issues before Iraq).
Now the TBI is responsible for his cognitive problems,memory loss,pituitary gland problems (poor functioning thyroid,low testosterone,and borderline cortisol levels),and sleep apnea. We just got the results of this test yesterday. He stops breathing 9 times an hour,and his oxygen levels go down to 88%. We were told if they were that level all the time,he would be on oxygen.
So now,and rightly so,the folks at Fort Drum want to do an update on all these things,because they were not known in March. His knees are also worse,and we have been told that his double vision will not go away.
So he will have to see Behavioral Health, possibly TBI,range of motion for his knees,optomology,and audiology. We go the week of October 12.
The following week we see the knee referral Dr at the Boston VA.

Sometimes Things Are Too Much

Yesterday Rick and I had an appointment with his social worker. We see her on a monthly basis. The goal is to help with Rick's PTSD. He usually leads the conversation with what is bothering him the most.
Yesterday it was his knees and how much pain he is in. The fact that he is in pain and vulnerable does not help with PTSD. In fact, it heightens it and makes the hypervigilence more pronounced.
Rick's knees have been getting worse for the last two years. He started with a cane,and that no longer helped. He is now on Canadian crutches,which help take some of the weight off his knees,but even that is no longer working like it used to. He also takes morphine,which is also not helping like it did. He saw his primary care physician yesterday in passing,and asked if he could up his dose. Rick's pain on a scale of 1-10 is a 10 on good days. His tolerance for pain is high,so his 10 would be our 20. We have a consult on the 25th down in Boston,and we are going to demand some answers.
As I was sitting there, listening to him tell the social worker about his knees,I felt worse and worse. He told her about how his knees get so swollen that they get to be 19" around,how much pain he is in,and how he just grits his teeth and deals with it. The kicker was when he was talking about Zach.Zach started hunting last year,and he really enjoys it. Rick has always enjoyed hunting,though he lost some of that enjoyment due to the PTSD,but he always did it,anyway. When his knees started getting bad, he would still go,but couldn't stay out in the woods for long,nor walk far. Rick has been taking Zach out back into the woods to go squirrel hunting,and in doing so,has really walked more than he should and is causing alot more pain because if it. But he is determined to do it for Zach,no matter what pain it causes. Rick kept rubbing his knees as he spoke,because they hurt just sitting there.
I started to cry.
It hurts me so much to see him like this,to know the pain level he is enduring. To know that his quality of life has suffered significantly. I try not to let it show,but I couldn't help it then. " He shouldn't be dealing with this, he's only 47," I sniffled. " I can't stand seeing him like this,it's not right." Rick reached over and took my hand. " It's OK," he said. "Don't cry,things will get better."
We are praying that they do indeed perform some form of surgery,and that they can least cut the pain level to where he can actually walk comfortably,and not need pain medication. We can't wait for the 25th to roll around.

New Medication

We went to our home away from home,the Manchester VA this morning for the results from Rick's blood work a couple weeks ago. They tested him for everything-cortisol levels,testosterone levels, adrenal fatigue syndrome,etc. Rick has had been very tired doing anything, even walking. He also has has a noted lack of endurance and strength. Not to mention a lack of libido.
Well, his cortisol levels were not too bad,and the Dr did not feel it necessary to put him on steroids,though he did say that if Rick became very ill with the flu or the like that he would want to give him an injection to help him bounce back. No adrenal fatigue syndrome. However...his testosterone is extremely low.
We had always assumed that his being tired had to do with the amount of medication he takes ( which we figured out to slightly over 1,000 pills a month),and his libido has been an issue since he got back from Iraq. It is a symptom of PTSD and TBI. We never thought about hormonal levels,since he's only 47. Well, surprise! His TBI, even though mild,has caused his pituitary gland to not secrete testosterone correctly.
Needless to say,we were both relieved that the Dr found the cause of these problems. Starting tonight, Rick starts using a hormone patch,which he will change every night. If the patch causes any skin irritation,then they will use a topical gel. It should take about 2 weeks before he notices any big changes. This is the approximate time it takes to get fully into the blood stream. Rick is very anxious to start feeling more like his old self.
The only other news we have had is regarding his eyes. The specialist we saw last week said that he felt the double vision that Rick is experiencing was caused by the stroke,and because it's not an eye but a brain issue,there is nothing they can do. It is extremely rare for a patient who suffers from double vision from a stroke to continue to see double.Normally that goes away after a period of time. There is a small chance it could still go away,but because it's been over a year now,it's not likely. I joked, " You don't do anything halfway,do you?"
We go to see an Orthopedist in Boston at the end of the month for a consult. We still don't know for sure what is going on with his knees-what are the dark spots in his bones? Does he have rheumetoid arthritis? They are still considering knee surgery. I hope so. Both knees are so swollen that now his ankles are starting to swell,and the pain can get so bad that it makes him nauseous. This happens even though he takes 6 doses of morphine a day for it. Right now, it does nothing for the pain. If only they can get rid of some it! It would mean so much for his quality of life. Hopefully we will get some answers.
We are also waiting for the results of the sleep study.
As always,many questions, but the answers are taking time in coming.