" I Just Want My Dignity Back"

So sorry that I have been gone for a bit.

Rick has sent his application for a  PTSD/TBI service dog out. I cannot recall off hand the name of the organization that he is trying to go through,but it is in central MA. He received the application from the VA several months ago,and it took him a long time to sit down and start it. Part of it was the fact that it was 10 pages long,and he can only do a few questions at a time before he gets overwhelmed and has to stop. I of course,help him out with the questions. He reads them out loud,comes up with an answer,and looks to me to assure him that the answer is correct,or I help him remember things that he may have forgotten.He then writes down the answer,and I help him with spelling. When he starts getting frustrated, I tell him to put it away and we will come back to it another time.

The questions ranged from Rick's height,the area in which we lived,what size dog he would need,has he had animals,do we have animals,etc.

The big issue was the essay question,"Why do you want a service dog?" It required a maximum of 100 words. I told Rick to sit down with a blank sheet of paper and write down how he felt. I would look it over,and if necessary,add some information and details based on our many conversations. I would type it out,and he would approve or disapprove it.

He has sat down and wrote down quite a bit,when he went into the bedroom,where I was folding clothes. He laid down on the bed,and I could tell he was upset. He started to cry.

"I hate this damn brain injury! I feel like an idiot. I takes me forever to read and I can't spell and I can't understand things,and this essay.... this whole thing makes me feel like I'm begging. I feel like I don't deserve it. I just want to be able to go places without having to bother you guys all the time.It sucks having to rely on other people because I can't do things on my own. I just want my dignity back!!!"

I felt so bad for him. My heart broke to see him so distraught. I assured him that he was just as worthy as any of the other veterans who are suffering from the same issues,and he wasn't begging. How hard it must be for a man to go from being larger than life to having to depend on others all the time! I can only imagine how I would feel. What a very bitter pill to swallow.

I looked over what he had written,and he did a good job. His opening line was " I want a service dog to help me get my dignity and self confidence back." He then explained how he was wounded,and how it affected him and his family.He went on to say that getting a service dog would not only be beneficial for him,but it would give his family a break,even though "they never complain or make me feel like a burden." Overall it was great,but I did add a couple of things that he had said to me in the past about feeling "less than a man" because he couldn't work,or go out in public much without someone with him. ( He went to Walmart once by himself to try it out,and he was a wreak when he got home. He said it was a terrible experience). I really didn't need to add much more than that,and because his thoughts were a bit jumbled I just made it more cohesive.He did a great job. We put it in mailbox,and now we wait to hear from them. Fingers crossed!!

Have a fabulous day on this Fabulous Planet!!

A Big Frost

This morning when we went outside to walk with Zach to the bus stop,the world looked furry and white. We had our first big frost last night. Everything was glittering, ,and it reminded me even more that winter is not too far away. In fact, the Farmer's Almanac is predicting a snowstorm next week. I am hoping that is not the case. It's still a bit early for my taste for snow that stays. I don't mind when it spits snow ( does anybody else out there use that term?)but anything that remains on the ground is not welcome in my yard!
Things have been a bit busy. Sunday I woke up with a migraine that kept me in bed all day. Monday Rick had an appt with his PTSD social worker. Right now Rick is to keep track of what makes him angry,and the steps he took not let it get the better of him. Monday night was our Boy Scout meeting,and this week was also Troop Committee.Rick and I are both on the Committee ( I am Secretary and in charge of the troop website) so we had our meeting while the boys has theirs.Yesterday Rick had an appt with the rhuematologist. We now know that Rick does not have rheumatoid arthritis. That is a good thing. His take on Rick's knees was that the swelling and pain are stemming from the the dead bone areas in his knees. So he emailed Rick's orthopedist (the one who referred Rick to the surgeon in Boston) to see what he wants to do. The rheumatologist says that Rick's knees are not going to get better,and that they will get worse. That was not good news. He did tell us he would call and let us know what Rick's orthopedist says. The second appt was with VerJean,Rick's speecht therapist. The session went well,Rick answered the questions quickly this week.VerJean was happy with how it went. Rick is still dragging out some words when he speaks,though. We are keeping an eye on it to see if any other symptoms come up.
We just got back from having lunch with Zach at school. The school lets parents come in once a year and they have lunch in the cafeteria with their child. It's nice, except this year Zach was too busy chatting with his friend Dale to really talk with us. I suppose he can talk to us anytime! Rick is priming our hallway right now. All the drywall,door frames,mopboards,and flooring are done.
My thoughts are starting to focus on my Thanksgiving menu. Zach picks which one of our turkeys will grace our table,and he is in charge of doing the "deed".
I made some more Christmas Forest soap the other day,and was going to make candles. When I checked my stock I realized that I didn't have enough wicks! BUMMER. While we were out and about on Monday we bought more wicks and four more pounds of wax.The soaps and candles will be my Christmas presents,and I might throw in a mason jar of homemade laundry soap to boot.

Med Board Findings

We got back from Fort Drum last Friday night,and the week went well. On Tues Rick had Behavioral Health,and Part 1 and Part 2 of his physical. Behavioral Health is a fancy term for "we are going check to see if you really have PTSD." When we went to check in,we were told that the Dr was not in that week,but they would see when they could schedule us,and would we please have a seat? I was sputtering," If they can't do this appointment this week,I am going to be very very angry," among a few other choice phrases. Rick kept telling me to keep my voice down." Let's not get upset yet," he told me."They wouldn't have had us come here if someone wasn't going to see us." I was amazed that he could seem so calm. "Oh,I'm not, "he told me,"but I am trying very hard to hold it together."
About 20 minutes later, a soft spoken woman came over to us. "Specialist Shaw,the Dr you were suppose to see is not here this week,but we have arranged for you to see another Dr via teleconference from Walter Reed Hospital.Please follow me." We both breathed a collective sigh of relief and followed her to another part of the building.They brought us into the teleconference room,and I must admit it was pretty neat.The Dr was there on a big flat screen TV. He went over the report that the Dr had made in March,and asked us questions. I told him that Rick had a NeuroPsych evaluation in May,and did he have access to that report? He said that while he could pull up a few VA reports,he was not able to pull up that one. I told him I had it,and could we fax it to him. He said that would be great,so I went out to the reception area and gave the soft spoken lady the report for her to fax.
He read the report,then asked,"How old is the Dr that administered this test?" Right away our warning flags went up. " He is older, maybe late 60's or early 70's," I told him."That would explain it," he said. "This test is an old testing method. It really doesn't tell me much. Testing for TBI has changed two or three times." Rick and I groaned. Great. However...." Rick is scheduled for another Neuro Psych eval this week," I told him. " Well,it couldn't hurt,"he said. His initial diagnosis was Cognitive Disorder NOS.Because some of the symptoms of PTSD and TBI are the same,there is no way of telling what is what. Apparently this is a new term they use for patients with PTSD and TBI.
Next was Rick's Part 1 Physical,which consisted of blood work,a hearing test,an eye test,a chest xray,and and EKG. Then we went to Part 2,where his medical history is gone over. When we went in March, Part 2 took over 3 hours. We had to fill out all of Rick's medical history. They then go over everything with him and type up their comments. Since most of the work was done,this time they just went over what was written up in the report before,and added any changes.They want Rick to have an EMG done on his right foot-electronic impulse testing-to see if he has any nerve damage,which we are doing through the VA. Rick now walks on the outside of his right foot because of his knee pain,and it is causing blisters and calluses.He also now sort of swings his right foot out to the side in a sort of semi circle when he walks. They also made note of his knees,his sleep apnea,hypopituitaryism,and his hypothyroidism.
Wednesday was Range of Motion,which was for his knees. I hate when they test his knees, because I know how much pain he is in,and I always get tears in my eyes. I can't help it.He told Rick that each knee should bend to 140 degrees,and his only bend to 90 on one and 85 on the other. He said to Rick," Your knees are messed up." They are waiting for a report from the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Boston VA,whom we saw today to see if Rick will have surgery. I will have to post about that appointment separately.
Thursday was a really big test: the NeuroPsych evaluation. This test determines if Rick has TBI,and at what level. The test he had in May said he had TBI,but it was not a very thou rough report. It didn't say at what level it was,and it was a page and a half. The military wanted something more specific,with a longer report. We went to another town to see a civilian PhD,who the military uses. He was very nice,and conducted a medical and mental health record review,clinical interview,and NAB ( Neuropsychological Assessment Battery).He asked about several symptoms,and out of the 30,Rick had 27. He then gave him testing in the following areas:Attention,Language,Memory,Spatial,and Executive Functioning. The tests took 5 hours. Rick thought it had only been 30-60 minutes. He also thought that he was going quickly on the tests,when in actuality he was going rather slowly.
When Rick was done, the Dr said he could give us a preliminary diagnosis based on the test scoring and his impressions. Here is what the test results showed. 100 is considered average.
Attention: 49 Severely impaired
Language:73 Mildly to moderately impaired
Memory:68 Moderately impaired
Spatial:75 Mildly to moderately impaired
Executive Functions: 83 Mildly impaired
Total:64
The bottom line is his brain injury is considered moderate.
We were surprised. Moderate? Not mild? We had been told he had a mild injury because he didn't lose consciousness when the explosion happened. We told the Dr this,and he said, "Who told you that? Excuse my language,but that is bullshit." The blast affected his brain globally.Rick was depressed after this appointment,but we were glad that finally,we have a proper diagnosis.
Once the military has all the information,they will finalize the NARSUM ( Narrative Summary),send it to us,then send it to Walter Reed Hospital,where it will be reviewed by doctors who will determine if Rick can be retired,or temporarily retired ( if they think some of his problems might be able to get better). We should know after the holidays.

New Medication

We went to our home away from home,the Manchester VA this morning for the results from Rick's blood work a couple weeks ago. They tested him for everything-cortisol levels,testosterone levels, adrenal fatigue syndrome,etc. Rick has had been very tired doing anything, even walking. He also has has a noted lack of endurance and strength. Not to mention a lack of libido.
Well, his cortisol levels were not too bad,and the Dr did not feel it necessary to put him on steroids,though he did say that if Rick became very ill with the flu or the like that he would want to give him an injection to help him bounce back. No adrenal fatigue syndrome. However...his testosterone is extremely low.
We had always assumed that his being tired had to do with the amount of medication he takes ( which we figured out to slightly over 1,000 pills a month),and his libido has been an issue since he got back from Iraq. It is a symptom of PTSD and TBI. We never thought about hormonal levels,since he's only 47. Well, surprise! His TBI, even though mild,has caused his pituitary gland to not secrete testosterone correctly.
Needless to say,we were both relieved that the Dr found the cause of these problems. Starting tonight, Rick starts using a hormone patch,which he will change every night. If the patch causes any skin irritation,then they will use a topical gel. It should take about 2 weeks before he notices any big changes. This is the approximate time it takes to get fully into the blood stream. Rick is very anxious to start feeling more like his old self.
The only other news we have had is regarding his eyes. The specialist we saw last week said that he felt the double vision that Rick is experiencing was caused by the stroke,and because it's not an eye but a brain issue,there is nothing they can do. It is extremely rare for a patient who suffers from double vision from a stroke to continue to see double.Normally that goes away after a period of time. There is a small chance it could still go away,but because it's been over a year now,it's not likely. I joked, " You don't do anything halfway,do you?"
We go to see an Orthopedist in Boston at the end of the month for a consult. We still don't know for sure what is going on with his knees-what are the dark spots in his bones? Does he have rheumetoid arthritis? They are still considering knee surgery. I hope so. Both knees are so swollen that now his ankles are starting to swell,and the pain can get so bad that it makes him nauseous. This happens even though he takes 6 doses of morphine a day for it. Right now, it does nothing for the pain. If only they can get rid of some it! It would mean so much for his quality of life. Hopefully we will get some answers.
We are also waiting for the results of the sleep study.
As always,many questions, but the answers are taking time in coming.

Middle of the Marathon

We are in the middle of our VA marathon week,and Rick and I are both getting tired. Yesterday we left at 6:30 AM for his 8:00 AM endocrinologist appointment. The first question he asked was the one all the new doctors we see ask:"So...why are you here today?"
My first inclination is to tell them to read their notes and referral. But I think they might actually ask to see if we know what's going on. So we told him about the blood work,Rick's testosterone and cortisol,how he's tired and has less strength,etc, etc. He looked at the blood work and right away he was not impressed with either test. He thought Rick's cortisol level was fine,and he said the testosterone test wasn't really they right one. Sigh. So he ordered a cortisol-all-in-one-everything-under-the-sun test. He is also being tested for adrenal failure. They took 14 vials of blood. Rick also had his memory therapy session,and got more homework to help with thought focus. While we were in that appt,Rick's orthopedist called the cell phone. Apparently,he read the bone scan,and basically told us nothing we didn't already know-that there is something wrong with Rick's knee bones,his kneecap,and that he wanted to send Rick down to the Boston VA for a consult. They are considering surgery. So we don't know if the doctor wants a second opinion before we get the actual results or what. Is the black areas in his knee bones dead bone like they thought,or is something else going on? Is the arthritis in his knee rheumatoid arthritis? Can they fix his knee cap,or is he too old and the arthritis too settled in like we were originally told? Lots of questions, but so far no answers.
Today we are bringing Rick for his sleep apnea study,again at the Manchester VA. Instead of driving down there,dropping him off for 8:00PM,driving back,and leaving at 4:30 AM to pick him up tomorrow morning,Zach and I are going to bask in the lap of luxury and stay at the Radission hotel,near the VA. This way,we can all have supper together and not rush. In the morning we will pick up Rick and bring him back to the hotel for breakfast,then head home. I suppose that spending money on a hotel room and restaurant flies in the face of saving money,but at this point, I am so tired from running back and forth that I need a break.

One Thing Leads To Another

Rick had some blood work done regarding his testosterone and cortisol levels. Lo and behold,they have tanked. Meaning,his testosterone and cortisol levels are almost non existant. This would explain his lack of strength,energy,etc. He has an appointment with the endocrinologist next week to test his pituitary gland. The pituitary controls testosterone and cortisol output,as well as the thyroid (which is shot as well-he has been taking medication for that for a few months now). If this is indeed the problem,he can take medication to bring these things back to normal. His Neuro/TBI doctor told us that this was probably caused by the brain injury,unless there is something else going on, like a tumor on the gland, which ,considering his history is less likely.
At least we now why he gets exhausted so easily,has lost some of his strength,libido,etc. We are anxious for this upcoming appointment to get some definite answers.
He also had his second memory therapy session. He had to decide on what type of mechanism he wanted to use to help him remember things-pen and paper,a PDA,or a mini recorder. It would have to be something he keeps on him at all times. He decided on a PDA,which the VA gave him. He is supposed to make daily lists of what he needs to do and keep referring to the lists,so he is self sufficient and not dependant on me to remind him.Work this week also focused on attention span. He has to meditate daily and try to get up to 10 minutes. Part of the problem is his brain in constantly going-assessing,evaluating,etc,so he has a hard time retaining information ( this stems from both the TBI and the PTSD). By sitting quietly,and focusing on the air he breathes,it gives him a focal point. He can let other thoughts enter,but he needs to just take note of them and just let them go. Then after he has done this exercise,he has some homework. The goal of the homework is to help keep his attention focused on one thing,which will be easier if he is relaxed and his mind is clear.
Next week is another busy week. We have 5 appts over 4 days.
Aug 17- Bone scan for his knees
Aug 18-Memory therapy and the endocrinologist (this was added this week)
Aug 19-sleep study for sleep apnea
Aug 21-Neuro optomology
Rick did recieve his handicap placard for the car. He had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it is very helpful on his bad days,on the other, it is further confirmation that he has a handicap. He doesn't like that at all.
One of the projects that we have to do soon is rebuild our porch and steps. Rick has a heck of a time getting up the steps,so we are going to also build a ramp so it's not so difficult for him. We hope to get that done by the time the snow flies.

Appointments,Appointments....

Has it already been almost a week since I blogged? I didn't think that much time had gone by already.

We have been fairly busy this last week and a half,so today I get to play catch up.

Rick has had alot of appts during this last month,and we added three more to that list.
We were hoping when he saw the orthopedic surgeon for his knees that we might get a surgery date. Well, much to our disappointment,that didn't happen. His dislocated kneecap will probably go unfixed. The problem is he had bad arthritis in both knees and he is almost 47. Apparently,they usually do this kind of surgery on younger people before the arthritis gets bad. The success rate goes down when the age and arthritis level goes up. OK. The arthritis is causing the terrible swelling in his knees-a couple month ago they drained 50cc's of fluid out of his left one. The MRI also showed a tear in his left ligament. However,because he had meniscus removed from both his knees ( one in the late 80's,the other in early 90's-stemming from his Airborne days),they cannot be sure if it is actually a tear,or if that is just what it now looks like from having some meniscus removed. They also saw some dark spots on his bone,that could be areas of dead bone,so he ordered a Rosenberg xray of both his knees (which we have done)and a bone scan (which we will do Aug 17). From there they will make a determination as to what they can do,it there is indeed anything they can do.

Rick says he just wants a firm diagnosis,and if he has to live with the pain he is in,then he can deal with it. He just doesn't want to hold out hope for some relief if there is none forthcoming. We have applied for a handicap placard for the rearview mirror of the car. Some days it will come in very handy so he doesn't have to walk so far to the store. Once he's in,he uses the cart to take as much weight as possible off his legs,and it helps. It took awhile to get him to want to get the placard,and he is adamant that he does not want to use the little scooters that people with walking disabilities have.We will only use the placard on his bad days.

Rick has also started speech pathology. The goal is to get him to use techniques to help his memory. He has had one appointment, so it was spent working on word memorization. She would say several pairs of words. Some of them were associated with each other,and others weren't. He did OK,but missed a few. Then she read him a paragraph,and he had to tell her what it was about. It had specific details in it. He got the jist of the story right,but omitted most of the major details. He also had to tell her all the words he could think of that began with a certain letter in the span of a minute,etc. Part of the problem is that he spent a good part of the time trying remembering what he already said so he wouldn't repeat it,that he only was able to come up 4 or 5 words.

His goal for his next appt is that he has to come up with a method of keeping a daily list,whether it be pen and paper,PDA,or a small recorder. It has to be something that he will keep with him at all times,however. He has to make a daily list,and he had to try not to rely on me to remember his goals for the day. We have all three techniques,the problem is getting him to remember to use them. And unfortunately,I don't always remember to remind him,either.
This month our appt load isn't' quite so heavy:

August 4- EEG in Jamaica Plain,MA. He had to stay up past midnight so he would be really tired and start to fall asleep.His neuro TBI doctor wanted this set up. We don't have results on this yet.
August 11 ( Happy Birthday,Rick!)- Neuro TBI appt. The dr is determining what physical problems were cause by his brain injury. So far they determined he has lost some taste and smell,but only a small amount.He also has a speech pathology session.
August 17-Speech pathology and the bone scan.
August 19-Sleep study. His neuro TBI dr ordered this because ever since he came home he snores like there is no tomorrow,and they are concerned that he might have sleep apnea.
August 21-Neuro Opthamology in Jamaica Plain,MA. When Rick got back home, he noticed his distance vision was a bit off,somewhat doubled. We chalked it up to getting older,and needing glasses,and glasses did help out. He also had some sensitivity to light.Once he had his stroke ( a year ago Aug 4) his double vision worsened,and now he sees things in a 3D effect all the time. He claims he is getting used to it. He also has to wear sunglasses outside,in stores, etc. They have tried glasses,drops,etc,and so far nothing has worked. He had a test that determined that his has "cracks" in his eye lenses,which they feel is accounting for the problem with the vision. There is a theory that this might have been caused by the head injury,so this Dr is going to work with Rick to see if there is something they can do to fix this problem,and,we hope,get a definite diagnosis as to how this occurred. If they can't work it out with another kind of eye drop,then they might remove his lenses and replace them with plastic ones. However, it might not work.
August 24-Cornea clinic at Jamaica Plain,MA. His other eye doctor makes a follow up.

Of course, some of these appts could spur on others, but so far that is our agenda for the month.

TBI Update

We went to the VA yesterday for an appointment with a Neuro TBI doctor. He was assessing what physical ailments that Rick has that might have been caused by his brain injury. He did feel that his "blackout"or momentary lapses of time were not from brain seizures,but from micro sleep. Rick only gets about three hours of good sleep a night because of the PTSD and the pain in his knees. These "blackouts" are not really blackouts-Rick will be doing something when all of a sudden he will not know where he is. Fortunately,it has only happened a handful of times in the last four years.
He is going to have a sleep study done to determine if he has sleep apnea,because he snores like crazy,and that only started after he got back.
He was tested for loss of smell, because he commented that he has lost some sense of taste. He got 32 out of 40 smells correct,so he has only minor sense of smell loss.
The doctor said that he has a complex case,because he has both TBI and PTSD,and certainly the medications that he takes does not help the situation. He has been referred for cognitive therapy,so that should help. We go back to see this doctor in August,on Rick's 47th birthday.
We were suppose to go to the Boston VA today for a Neuro Eye appt,but Rick woke up with a bad headache and not feeling so well,so we have rescheduled. We have certainly had a busy month as far as appointments go,and had two more added since I posted our July schedule. Today I am actually going to be able to get caught up around the house! Rick's brother Dale and their good friend Scott will be coming over tomorrow to get the woodpile all cut and split,so that will be a huge help as far as that is concerned,because Rick can only work on it 10-15 minutes at a time before the pain in his knees becomes too much.

A Fall and A Frustrating Call

A few days ago, Rick had gone outside to check on our turkeys. I was in the living room,reading a book,when I heard a car horn. It sounded to me like it was down the street,so I didn't bother to check it out. Brian,my brother in law,was on the other side of the house and heard the horn as well, but he heard it better. He went to look out our screen porch,and I saw him go flying outside.
Well I knew something was wrong,so I went outside quickly. Rick was laying by our well. Brian was helping him up. Apparently his knee gave out,and even with his Canadian crutches,he couldn't support himself and fell. He had tried getting up,but he couldn't. He hit the house with his crutch to try to get our attention, but it didn't make enough noise. Since he was right next to the car,he opened the door and used his crutch to hit the horn. Thankfully,he was not like that for very long at all. At first,I thought that he had broken leg,but thankfully,that was not the case. His knees hurt too much to support his weight. He was very embarrassed that he had to have someone help him up.
He now makes sure that he carries his cell phone which has a walkie talkie component with him whenever he goes outside.
We got a call yesterday regarding Rick's med board process. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a series of evaluations the military makes to determine how incapacitated a solider is,if he is indeed unfit for service,and if he is deemed unfit,how much percentage of his pay they will pay him for the rest of his life. Since we live in NH,Rick has to go to Fort Drum,NY for this evaluation. He had been once, in 2007. On the last day of trip,the Dr informed him that his paperwork was not complete and that he would have to come back. Well, that would be fine, except they only take 2 NH National Guard soldiers a month. If he was active duty,the wait wouldn't be so long. ( Bear in mind when he was wounded,he had been put on active duty!) He finally got to go back 2 years later,this past March. After all was said and done,Fort Drum contacted us and said they wanted another test,a Neuro Psych eval to help determine the level of his traumatic brain injury. In 2007 Rick had tried to do this test for the VA,but because his PTSD was not more controlled,his attention span was very poor,and he couldn't finish the test. He took the test in May,and it was determined that he has moderate PTSD,depression,and had mild TBI. So now, we have to wait for the Dr to type his report and put it Rick's medical file,then have the copy sent to us,then we send the copy to Ft Drum. This took longer than usual because the Dr was outsourced.
Tuesday Fort Drum called to inform Rick that the person who they were waiting for to read this test and write the final part of the Narrative Summary had be rotated out,so he could not review the test or write his part of the report. ( The Narrative Summary is the compilation of all the evaluations. The soldier gets to read it,if he agrees with the findings,he signs it,then it goes to Walter Reed where it is read and evaluated by three different drs who come up with a final disability rating).A new person took over and would be reviewing Rick's info.
Yesterday,we received more news. They wanted some more info. The Neuro Psych eval mentioned his "blackouts" where he will suddenly not know where he is or why he is there. Further evaluation was suggested regarding this,thinking it may be some type of brain seizure. Well,we have a Neuro TBI followup in a couple of weeks,and Ft Drum wants those results. OK,no problem. The Neuro Psych eval also mentioned Rick's heavy snoring,and possible sleep apnea ( I have never seen him have this problem). Ft Drum wants any reports regarding that. Well, there aren't any.They also want to know if his heart is fully healed for any regular activity. Yes, and getting that report is not a problem. So far, so good. Then,they told Rick that he has to GO BACK to Fort Drum for another Behavioral Health evaluation. The dr that left did his BH eval,so the new doctor wants to evaluate him herself,which,is a good thing,but not so good if you have been through the med board process three times ( the first was when he was in GA in med hold, he was only a day or so away from signing his Narrative summary when they sent him orders cutting him from active duty and sending him home. It made that med board null and void). Rick was so angry,that when he got off the phone, he couldn't even tell me what was said. He just said, "I can't talk about it now." He is worried that it will take months before he goes back, but he was told once they get all the info they request,they will give him an appt ASAP. I hope so. At his point, we just want the whole thing to be over with.

Forks and Knives

There are things that I am used to with Rick's TBI. Forgetting things,such as the day,month,where he is (though that doesn't happen often),and how to do some things that he used to do.
Then,sometimes,he will forget something that he has never forgotten before,and it throws me.
Sunday, I was in bed all day with a migraine. He made me supper,and as I was eating he came in with a fork and knife.
" I am making myself eggs and toast," he said. "I want to cut up the toast, but I can't remember which hand to put the fork and knife in and how to cut it." I felt my heart drop. This was new,at least to me. If he had forgotten in the past,he never mentioned it,so he probably could bring himself to remember. Not this time.
I took the fork and knife from him and showed him how to hold them and cut with them.
" Oh,now I remember.I just couldn't figure out how to do it," he said.
I know he hates forgetting simple things,and can only imagine how he felt having to ask his wife how to cut food. I know I felt bad that he had to ask.

Yesterday was a fairly quiet Father's Day. My mom came up to the house to see how we remodeled Zach's room. Zach wanted it painted red,so we did that,put down laminate floors,new mopboards,new molding around the door,and Rick built a new closet. We had a nice visit. Zach made Rick a Father's Day card,and tied it to the back of our youngest cat,Omar. So the card was made special feline delivery. Rick and I though that was pretty funny!
Today we had to go to the Veteran's Hospital in Jamacia Plain,MA. Rick had some tests done a couple of weeks ago on his eyes. When he got home from Iraq,he was having some problem with distance,things looked out of focus. He also had some sensitivity to light. He got glasses,and that seemed to help with his sight. Then after he had a stroke last August, he started seeing things double. He explains it like seeing in 3D. Things are not double side by side.He looks at an object,and sees 1 1/3 of it.So he has been seeing alot of eye doctors to figure out why he sees like this,and why it's in both eyes instead of one. Apparently,the lenses is Rick's eyes are slightly misshapen. They feel it may have been caused initially by the RPG attack he was in,then the stroke made it worse. They have not confirmed this yet,though. He has to try some eye drops to make the pupils smaller (the abnormalities on his lenses are more pronounced when his eyes are dilated). If that doesn't work,they may do what is basically a cataract operation-removest his lenses and replace them with plastic ones. So we will see!Hopefully the drops will work.
We will be going on a camping trip to the beautiful Great North Woods of NH until Friday,so I won't be blogging until sometime over the weekend. Hopefully there won't be much rain up there!

July 2005

After Rick left Manchester,he went to Camp Shelby,Mississippi for training before heading over to Kuwait and then Iraq.
For a while, we were not sure where he was. When he sent his first letter home,we discovered from his return address that he was in Ramadi, in the Anbar Province. I had never heard of Ramadi,and knew nothing of it. What I did know I heard from the news. Anbar Province was a hot bed of activity from the insurgents. There was alot of fighting going on there. Of course, Rick never mentioned fighting,in his emails or letters. He did mention that he had "just got back from" a mission or had "a quick chance to write"before a mission. We did have access to emails, but whenever the FOB (forward operating base) was under attack,it would get shut down.
While Rick was there, he tried for and became a member of the Scouts, so he was attached to the Vermont unit.While I would like to say what he did while he was there, and what life was like,I can't. I keep asking Rick," Can I say this? Can I tell them you did that?" And he keeps saying no. This is too much of a public forum. What I can say is, that when Rick was there, it was considered one of the most dangerous places in the world.
Some wives will tell you that they never considered the possibility that their solider wouldn't come home. Though I knew Rick could take care of himself, my mind could not help but go there. I would envision his funeral,and each time it was different.It would be sunny,it would be rainy,I would be the stoic wife,I would throw myself on his coffin in a very dramatic display of grief. I just couldn't help it. Maybe it was my way of preparing myself, I don't know. The military mantra," Pray for the best,prepare for the worst," certainly became more clear to me.
I would see stories about soldiers who had been killed on TV and cry.That actually continued quite awhile after Rick came back. I could certainly place myself in that family. I would think,'There but for the grace of God...."
July2005, Rick had been in Iraq for about 2 months. He was on the FOB when the base sustained an RPG ( rocket propelled grenade) attack. It was not just one,it was several in quick secession,and it happened right where he was walking. When one exploded,he ran,but another one went off where he was running to,then he ran the other direction where a third one went off.
He got lifted off his feet,but cannot remember if he landed on his feet,or got knocked to the ground. He does remember hearing the schrapnel flying all around. He was very lucky-no schrapnel hit him. He did notice months later that sand kept working its way out of his skin,it was so deeply inbedded. After the attack,he noticed nothing unusal,and a few hours later, he was on his way to go out for another mission when he had a searing chest pain,confusion,and the left side of his face dropped. At first, they thought he was suffering a heart attack or stroke,but that was ruled out.(We later learned that facial drop is a symptom of a brain injury.) His heart rate dropped down to extremely low levels,so much so that they evacuated him to Balaad,then to Longstahl Hosptial in Germany.He was in intensive care there for two weeks;there was specualtion that the concussion from the blast had done something to his heart rhythm,since he had no issues before. The Army was in the process of making arrangements to fly me out,when I received word that he was going to be coming home,to Walter Reed on a critical care flight.
After landing in Washington,DC,he was told that Walter Reed was full,so they sent him to Fort Gordon, in Augusta,GA. Once he was there, they determined that we was no longer in critical status,so the military would not fly me to see him. I was quite upset,as you can imagine. Plane tickets were quite expensive,and we did not have that kind of money.I just wanted to see my husband! We were very fortunate that Bea,from our Family Support knew about the Fisher House. The Fisher House is a great non profit organization that helps military families. People donate unused frequent flyer miles and military families use them in cases such as this. I spoke to Rick to see if he wanted me to to fly down,but he said it could be possible for him to fly up,since he was no longer in the hospital and was now in med hold status in the barracks. He would have to clear it. Long story short, it was cleared,and in August he came home for a week's leave. A soon as I saw him,though, I knew that something was wrong. This man was not the man I married.